With out posting something. My blogging life has taken a back seat to blogging on movie news and other what nots. Not only that, but I forgot the password to this site a few times already. So I figured I'd jot something down. It's the first time since Aprils of last year that I have done so.
Since that April, were i had purchased a Nerf sword with my tax return, very few things have changed. I'm still with the grand parents, except now, my mother is living with us. Both grandparents have had major hip surgeries, resulting in my continual unofficial use as a house boy. Sounds bad, but I'm living here rent free. But the free comes at the cost of doing an assload of remedial jobs for both grandparents. The services gets both praise and an equal amount of criticism. Not only that, but my grandmother's slow decent in to madness has started taking its toll on everyone. It's not that she's literally losing her mind, she's just been losing her mind for 20 years and it's starting ramp up and she's been pulling weird power plays that have been irritating everyone.
I think some of this has to do with the onset of Panic and Anxiety attacks I started suffering at the end of May. It was well into late June before I had them properly diagnosed and started treatment with a lovely bouquet of drugs. Foolishly around October, I thought the attacks were gone, so I stopped taking the meds. Ha. A few weeks ago, they started up again, so back on the meds I go.
So here I am, 2011, same place, yet, little movement in my life. The funk of life movies on.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Monday, April 12, 2010
Wise Investments:
As a child, I had a strong love affair with Nerf. It was a gun that you could shoot people with that didn't hurt. Why? Because it was made with a material that made me believe that there was a higher power. I've always proliferated that we needed a theme park made completely of NERF. There would be nothing more awesome than a place that if you fell down on a corner table, you'd bounce right off of it. Alas, the only down side to my childhood love was that the guns were soso, the darts ran and got lost quick, and most importantly, there were no blunt objects made of the material.
Then a few weeks ago, I saw this in Walmart:
And I completely lost my shit.
At the tender age of 26, I finally got one of my greatest wishes. A fucking broad sword made of Nerf. Not only a Broad Sword, but a fucking sword that was shaped like Link's Master Sword from A Link to the Past. Oh, the parents with their 8 kids and the sideshow attractions that occupied that Long Beach Walmart at 2:15 in the morning must of wondered why a guy who looks like the Michelin man was doing cartwheels in the toy isles.
Upon inspecting the sword, I feel in love. The whole thing is made of pure Nerf. It's soft enough not to do any damage, yet, just stiff enough to be a complete asshole when hitting someone with it. My inner child had just jizzed gold.
So what do I do. I buy it. Not only that, but it's the first major purchase I use my Tax Return on. Yes, my more than thousand dollars, I plop down $20 bucks on a Nerf Broad Sword. Was it worth it? Fuck yes. Now I have something to bash the shit out of people during drunken shindigs
Then a few weeks ago, I saw this in Walmart:
And I completely lost my shit.
At the tender age of 26, I finally got one of my greatest wishes. A fucking broad sword made of Nerf. Not only a Broad Sword, but a fucking sword that was shaped like Link's Master Sword from A Link to the Past. Oh, the parents with their 8 kids and the sideshow attractions that occupied that Long Beach Walmart at 2:15 in the morning must of wondered why a guy who looks like the Michelin man was doing cartwheels in the toy isles.
Upon inspecting the sword, I feel in love. The whole thing is made of pure Nerf. It's soft enough not to do any damage, yet, just stiff enough to be a complete asshole when hitting someone with it. My inner child had just jizzed gold.
So what do I do. I buy it. Not only that, but it's the first major purchase I use my Tax Return on. Yes, my more than thousand dollars, I plop down $20 bucks on a Nerf Broad Sword. Was it worth it? Fuck yes. Now I have something to bash the shit out of people during drunken shindigs
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Movies I loved in 2009
Yeah.. I got some more bullshit to write, but I honestly don't feel like it right now.. So I'm going to post what I felt were the best films of 2009 to clear out the ol noggin. Did a decent amount of movie watching this year, and thanks to "Screeners" caught a lot of stuff that I couldn't make in the theaters.
So, with out more grandstanding, here are my top ten favorite films for 2009
10. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
I freely admit that I LOVE the works of Nic Cage. There are a lot of people that say hes a hack, but I say different. He's got a classic method actor type to him, and the man plays batshit crazy like no one else working today. Bad Lieutenant teamed Cage with batshit director Werner Herzog, and gave us the story of a cop who breaks his back saving a jailed inmate after Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans. The injury leads him to start smoking crack, weed, and more uppers and downers than what was in the trunk of Raoul Duke's car. Just everything about this film is insane, to a degree that it cannot but helped to be loved. Hell, even Eva Mendes was grand in it! But when you have Nic Cage strung out on crack, and hasn't slept for almost 4 days, telling a drug kingpin to shoot a guy who's dead on the ground because "HIS SOUL IS STILL DANCING" (and you see the soul break dancing next to the body) you know you've witnessed a masterpiece that only few dare dream.
9. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra
I think I was the only person in the world that had nothing but great expectations for this film BEFORE it came out. I love the post Deep Rising works of Stephan Sommers, and when I heard he was making G.I. Joe, I knew it was going to be something off the wall. While many others balked at my claims, and proclaimed that Transformers 2 would be the Hasbro film of the year, I was eventually vindicated when this bad boy hit the screens. Much like last years Speed Racer (which was my favorite film of 2008) G.I. Joe knew what it was, and ran with it. Sure, it's kinda silly, but the film embraced the greatness of G.I. Joe the cartoon, and ramped it up for a real world take..if you can call booster suits real world. While Channing Tatum left a little to be desired as Duke, everyone else was a blast in this film. With Snake Eye's jumping over flipped cars, the Effie tower being destroyed and a massive underwater battle being waged underneath the arctic circle, G.I. Joe Rise of Cobra proved to be the purest form of escapism this year.
8. The Hurt Locker
I really don't give a shit for the post 9/11 war films. Most usually just wallow in self loathing of how we're ruining everyone life being over there. While my political views don't line up necessarily with that statement, Kathryn Bigelow threw that shit out the window and gave the world an old fashion war film in a modern setting. Jeremy Renner as the biggest lose cannon nut job that's just too damn good at what he dose to be kicked out of the army. And what dose he do? He diffuses fucking BOMBS! And he's damn proud of his work! Following him through his year deployment in Iraq was the edgiest ride of the year!
7. Crank High Voltage
Do I really need to explain why I love this film. It's Jason Statham literally fucking some bullets! Add that to Giant Monster Statham, Robo Statham, and Hyper Fire mode Statham. Add a touch of public sex at Hollywood Park along with a stripper having her tits delfate after they're pierced by a bullet, all shot on a Sony HD min cam, and you've got the makings of possibly the most chaotic movie of the year.
6. Where the Wild Things Are
Though I only waited 3 years for this movie, I've really been waiting for this film since I was 4 years old. I'm really glad that I'm the age I am when I viewed this near masterpiece, as it really hits a new cord with me. Beautifully shot, fantastically scored, Spike Jones could not have made a better film out of the book. You actually believe that Max Records is shooting his scenes with REAL Wild Things that the production crew some how manage to trap, train to act and emote on a level that will just tug at the strings of your soul.
5. Black Dynamite
2 years ago, Grindhouse came out. That film tried to be a loving tribute to the classic grindhouse era of film. They never came as close to that tribute as Black Dynamite did with its off colored tribute to the Blaxsploitation films of the 70's. A triumphant return of Michael Jai White to baddassery that he once held after Spawn. I will forever utter the phrase "WHO DARES INTERRUPT MY KUNG FU" in the halls of my home!
4. Worlds Greatest Dad
Bobcat Goldthwait, the weird dude from those police academy movies. The man who lit Jay Leno's chair on fire on the Tonight Show. No. I'm talking about Bobcat Goldthwith one of the most surprising writer/director working today. Worlds Greatest Dad is such a dark, yet touching film. Superbly acted by Robin Williams, as a failed writer who happens to be the loving father of a duchbag son. Things go awry and unlikely success stems from a great tragedy. While I always though of Bobcat as just a funnyman comic, if he continues to produce work like this, he may well go down in film history as a dark horse of brilliant filmmakers.
3. Coraline
All hail stop motion. The art is not dead, and Henry Selick is the man keeping the art alive. While CG animation might be the thing right now, there is a life and a soul in Coraline that could only be brought to the surface through stop motion animation. Combine that with the work of Neil Gaiman and watch as brilliance dances on the screen before your very eyes. The film is wild and imaginative, and never afraid to go to a darker place than normal kids fare!
2. The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Number 2 on my list is also another stop motion feature. This time from one of my favorite filmmakers working today. Wes Anderson. Based on the Roald Dahl book, Wes took the material, infused it with his own style, and brought it to life through stop motion. To Coraline's state of the art stop motion techniques, Mr Fox is the opposite. Going for an old school style akin to the greatness of Gumby, or Rankin Bass specials.
1 UP
Pixar can do no wrong..plain and simple.. All I have to say is that if you hate this movie, you truly have no soul and a black heart.. OH, and be ready to get in line behind all of the murders and rapists because they're getting into heaven before you! Up is just...perfect.
I like to also give a nice shout out to the following:
Avatar, Zombieland,Watchmen, Knowing, Cloudy with A Chance of Meatballs, Outlander, Fanboys, The Hangover, The Brothers Bloom, District 9, The Haunted World of El Superbesto, Paranormal Activity, Sherlock Holmes, and of course, Inglorious Basterds, which almost made this list..
So, with out more grandstanding, here are my top ten favorite films for 2009
10. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
I freely admit that I LOVE the works of Nic Cage. There are a lot of people that say hes a hack, but I say different. He's got a classic method actor type to him, and the man plays batshit crazy like no one else working today. Bad Lieutenant teamed Cage with batshit director Werner Herzog, and gave us the story of a cop who breaks his back saving a jailed inmate after Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans. The injury leads him to start smoking crack, weed, and more uppers and downers than what was in the trunk of Raoul Duke's car. Just everything about this film is insane, to a degree that it cannot but helped to be loved. Hell, even Eva Mendes was grand in it! But when you have Nic Cage strung out on crack, and hasn't slept for almost 4 days, telling a drug kingpin to shoot a guy who's dead on the ground because "HIS SOUL IS STILL DANCING" (and you see the soul break dancing next to the body) you know you've witnessed a masterpiece that only few dare dream.
9. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra
I think I was the only person in the world that had nothing but great expectations for this film BEFORE it came out. I love the post Deep Rising works of Stephan Sommers, and when I heard he was making G.I. Joe, I knew it was going to be something off the wall. While many others balked at my claims, and proclaimed that Transformers 2 would be the Hasbro film of the year, I was eventually vindicated when this bad boy hit the screens. Much like last years Speed Racer (which was my favorite film of 2008) G.I. Joe knew what it was, and ran with it. Sure, it's kinda silly, but the film embraced the greatness of G.I. Joe the cartoon, and ramped it up for a real world take..if you can call booster suits real world. While Channing Tatum left a little to be desired as Duke, everyone else was a blast in this film. With Snake Eye's jumping over flipped cars, the Effie tower being destroyed and a massive underwater battle being waged underneath the arctic circle, G.I. Joe Rise of Cobra proved to be the purest form of escapism this year.
8. The Hurt Locker
I really don't give a shit for the post 9/11 war films. Most usually just wallow in self loathing of how we're ruining everyone life being over there. While my political views don't line up necessarily with that statement, Kathryn Bigelow threw that shit out the window and gave the world an old fashion war film in a modern setting. Jeremy Renner as the biggest lose cannon nut job that's just too damn good at what he dose to be kicked out of the army. And what dose he do? He diffuses fucking BOMBS! And he's damn proud of his work! Following him through his year deployment in Iraq was the edgiest ride of the year!
7. Crank High Voltage
Do I really need to explain why I love this film. It's Jason Statham literally fucking some bullets! Add that to Giant Monster Statham, Robo Statham, and Hyper Fire mode Statham. Add a touch of public sex at Hollywood Park along with a stripper having her tits delfate after they're pierced by a bullet, all shot on a Sony HD min cam, and you've got the makings of possibly the most chaotic movie of the year.
6. Where the Wild Things Are
Though I only waited 3 years for this movie, I've really been waiting for this film since I was 4 years old. I'm really glad that I'm the age I am when I viewed this near masterpiece, as it really hits a new cord with me. Beautifully shot, fantastically scored, Spike Jones could not have made a better film out of the book. You actually believe that Max Records is shooting his scenes with REAL Wild Things that the production crew some how manage to trap, train to act and emote on a level that will just tug at the strings of your soul.
5. Black Dynamite
2 years ago, Grindhouse came out. That film tried to be a loving tribute to the classic grindhouse era of film. They never came as close to that tribute as Black Dynamite did with its off colored tribute to the Blaxsploitation films of the 70's. A triumphant return of Michael Jai White to baddassery that he once held after Spawn. I will forever utter the phrase "WHO DARES INTERRUPT MY KUNG FU" in the halls of my home!
4. Worlds Greatest Dad
Bobcat Goldthwait, the weird dude from those police academy movies. The man who lit Jay Leno's chair on fire on the Tonight Show. No. I'm talking about Bobcat Goldthwith one of the most surprising writer/director working today. Worlds Greatest Dad is such a dark, yet touching film. Superbly acted by Robin Williams, as a failed writer who happens to be the loving father of a duchbag son. Things go awry and unlikely success stems from a great tragedy. While I always though of Bobcat as just a funnyman comic, if he continues to produce work like this, he may well go down in film history as a dark horse of brilliant filmmakers.
3. Coraline
All hail stop motion. The art is not dead, and Henry Selick is the man keeping the art alive. While CG animation might be the thing right now, there is a life and a soul in Coraline that could only be brought to the surface through stop motion animation. Combine that with the work of Neil Gaiman and watch as brilliance dances on the screen before your very eyes. The film is wild and imaginative, and never afraid to go to a darker place than normal kids fare!
2. The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Number 2 on my list is also another stop motion feature. This time from one of my favorite filmmakers working today. Wes Anderson. Based on the Roald Dahl book, Wes took the material, infused it with his own style, and brought it to life through stop motion. To Coraline's state of the art stop motion techniques, Mr Fox is the opposite. Going for an old school style akin to the greatness of Gumby, or Rankin Bass specials.
1 UP
Pixar can do no wrong..plain and simple.. All I have to say is that if you hate this movie, you truly have no soul and a black heart.. OH, and be ready to get in line behind all of the murders and rapists because they're getting into heaven before you! Up is just...perfect.
I like to also give a nice shout out to the following:
Avatar, Zombieland,Watchmen, Knowing, Cloudy with A Chance of Meatballs, Outlander, Fanboys, The Hangover, The Brothers Bloom, District 9, The Haunted World of El Superbesto, Paranormal Activity, Sherlock Holmes, and of course, Inglorious Basterds, which almost made this list..
Monday, December 28, 2009
Grey vs Green
I havent written anything on here in a while. I dont know why. Oh yes I do, it's because I'm fucking lazy as hell. That, and I've figured out that I'm a morning writer. Most of my hardcore thoughts are usually while I'm sitting in a pickup truck between 9 and 11 am. Hell, techniqually, as I write this, its near 3am on a monday morning.
I'm wide awake, but have to be at work in 5 hours, but I clearly dont care.
So what am I writing this now for.. I'm not sure. Maybe the inner guilt that I feel for not trying to write more.
Or maybe its my fustration that my creativity drive has pettered out a bit in the last few months. I've started about 5 diffrent scripts, they're all done in my head, but I cant seem get them down on paper.. Hell, I've been trying to write a book too, yet, pfft, nothing.
I've been drinking green tea to help my focus, so far its helped my sleepiness at work in the morning, but not much else.
With the new year coming, and me turning 26 in less than 2 months, I finally feel that I've hit a wall of sorts. Theres mind sets in my noggin at the moment that are at odds ends with each other. One is the kid chris. The one thats kinda perpetually stuck in my highschool frame of mind. The one that dosnt see far ahead into the future, lives in the now, is really lazy but has a ton of ideas that I'll get to one day, but not now. That Chris is still in the mind set that he's 19, still young and has all the time in the world, so just keep fucking off right now.
The other Chris, is the Chris that's trying to break free of being reliant of the damn family for support. The one that wants to go on to bigger and better things. Wants to take some risks, thinks more like an adult, and do some more thing with his life than whats going on right now. A maturing frame of mind if you will
Now take these two, add low self esteem, a weight problem, and can't focus worth shit, so I'm constantly stumbling over words,and contraindicating myself time after time. Think Bruce Banner dealing with both the Green and Grey Hulk in his head. Both are fighting for supremecy, and both are at a stalemate.
That's me at this moment.
But the middle frame of mind, the Banner side if you will, dosnt want either to win. Like religion, I want the cherry pick of both sides. Theres part of me that would love to stay with the enthusiasim and woderment of a kid, while being fiscally responsible, confident, and enjoy some perks of being an adult.
If only I had my own Doc Strange to merge the two waring chris's with my current, awake state of mind into one powerful entity. But to have one's cake and to eat it too isnt always feesible.
Perhaps I need therepy. Perhaps not.
All I know is that its 3:12 in the am and I should be going to be for work in the morning.. so I think I'll do that.
I'm wide awake, but have to be at work in 5 hours, but I clearly dont care.
So what am I writing this now for.. I'm not sure. Maybe the inner guilt that I feel for not trying to write more.
Or maybe its my fustration that my creativity drive has pettered out a bit in the last few months. I've started about 5 diffrent scripts, they're all done in my head, but I cant seem get them down on paper.. Hell, I've been trying to write a book too, yet, pfft, nothing.
I've been drinking green tea to help my focus, so far its helped my sleepiness at work in the morning, but not much else.
With the new year coming, and me turning 26 in less than 2 months, I finally feel that I've hit a wall of sorts. Theres mind sets in my noggin at the moment that are at odds ends with each other. One is the kid chris. The one thats kinda perpetually stuck in my highschool frame of mind. The one that dosnt see far ahead into the future, lives in the now, is really lazy but has a ton of ideas that I'll get to one day, but not now. That Chris is still in the mind set that he's 19, still young and has all the time in the world, so just keep fucking off right now.
The other Chris, is the Chris that's trying to break free of being reliant of the damn family for support. The one that wants to go on to bigger and better things. Wants to take some risks, thinks more like an adult, and do some more thing with his life than whats going on right now. A maturing frame of mind if you will
Now take these two, add low self esteem, a weight problem, and can't focus worth shit, so I'm constantly stumbling over words,and contraindicating myself time after time. Think Bruce Banner dealing with both the Green and Grey Hulk in his head. Both are fighting for supremecy, and both are at a stalemate.
That's me at this moment.
But the middle frame of mind, the Banner side if you will, dosnt want either to win. Like religion, I want the cherry pick of both sides. Theres part of me that would love to stay with the enthusiasim and woderment of a kid, while being fiscally responsible, confident, and enjoy some perks of being an adult.
If only I had my own Doc Strange to merge the two waring chris's with my current, awake state of mind into one powerful entity. But to have one's cake and to eat it too isnt always feesible.
Perhaps I need therepy. Perhaps not.
All I know is that its 3:12 in the am and I should be going to be for work in the morning.. so I think I'll do that.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Challenge of a lazy fuck!
So, to get to the gist of what Im going to say, I'm cutting and pasting the artical I just wrote over at THEREALMCAST.com
Thats basically it. Im giving myself a month to watch a shitload of DVDS!
Its been a while since I posted an edition of the Panzer Crush.
I’ve been busy. Working on the site, the podcast, and then there’s my day job. All of these combined with a slight creative stall I hit during the month had left me really unable to muster up something worth while.
BUT NOT ANYMORE!
Let me explain. About 3 weeks ago, I hosted a recording of our podcast at my place. It was the first time the rest of the crew here at the REALMCAST had seen my base of operations. So to say that I wanted everything perfect was a bit of an understatement. One of the things I wanted perfect was my DVD collection, one of my pride and joys. Ever since I got my first job at the age of 16, I have spent most of my hard earned cash on DVDs. My first paycheck went to buying a $250 DVD player (this was way back in 2000, when they weren’t so cheap), and the first 3 DVD’s I purchased were
MALLRATS
Mallrats
CHASING AMY
Chasing Amy
and
THE MATRIX
Matrix
From those original 3, I have amassed a collection of nearly 700. While there are many other collectors that have more, I’m actually quite proud of what I’ve obtained. Basically, if I like the film, toon, show, ect, I buy it. Its a vast array of titles ranging from ITS A WONDERFUL LIFE to JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER and everything in between.
So, when the gang showed up, I had what shelves I own up and filled to the brim of DVDs. 5 shelves turned out, wasn’t enough. I had 3 full boxes of Anime and other miscellaneous titles still packed away from my move from the apartment I shared with a friend to my current location.
Well, lets just say, that after many months of boasting to my friends, when they laid eyes on my collection, there was much impression. I spent the next half hour going through the random titles that I owned, giving out titles to be watched by others, when, I started noticing I have a few DVD’s that I’ve bought or were given, that..I haven’t seen yet. Not, “Hey, I didn’t open this because I saw it in the theater”, but more “I know I bought this for a reason”.
After everyone left, I started going through my collection and set aside every DVD that I have that I haven’t seen the content of. When it was all said and done, I had this.
Things 001
Over 50 DVD of films and TV that I haven’t watched. Some of these have been in my collection for almost 5 years now.
In the words of the great Lebowski, “THIS WILL NOT STAND!”
So, in a personal challenge to myself, I have vowed to start watching EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE by OCTOBER 29th 2009. Why then? Well, I usually do a horror movie fest the weekend of Halloween, and that gets pushed back for nothing!
Now, if you care, how will you know if I’ve watched any of these?
My answer, after watching each DVD, I will write a small review, along with some thoughts on the DVD it’s self. This will be part of a new month long column called: LAZY BASTARDS DVD CHALLENGE. There is no set limit to what I watch in a day, and I will keep things random.
So, can I do it? Or will I have to fork over my geek cred and call my self a puss for not being able to watch a bunch of movies, that by all means, I should of seen already.
Well, come October 29th, we will see.
Thats basically it. Im giving myself a month to watch a shitload of DVDS!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I dont like writing these kinds of posts.......
I really don't..but I've got to much on my mind.
Comic Con was two weeks ago.. and its left a void in the inner workings of my soul. Comic Con is usually my get away, my bit o heaven..but now..now I'm like that Indian on the side of the road with all the trash, and the single tear coming out of his eye. Except that Road is Comic Con.. the Trash are the ass fucks that now attend it, and As I stated, I'm the Indian with the single tear. To watch Comic Con degrade to the level it has..just tears me apart. The place holds personal, joyous memories.. now..its a shell of its former self, even with all the people attending.
Going in was a bit of a headache. The money I managed to save ended up going to various family members before Con, so I took half a pay check and stretched the hell out of it. It was fine though.. I got a few cool things, I'm happy with those.
Though.. the fallout of Con has left me bitter, yet thinking.
First off, being broke for almost a week and a half got my grandfathers attention. While he knew that I would spend a decent amount at con, he called into question why I don't have anything in savings.. since I'm living with my grandparents RENT FREE.. It turned into a somber..disappointment, then bitter conversation for about a half hour. Theres nothing worse than just having someone who's opinion you hold high beat you down. But the reality of it though. He was Right. I don't save like I should, I'm suppose to be paying off my credit cards, but I'm barley doing that, and I'm out and about fucking around and dropping cash like its going out of style. Discipline, basically, he thinks I lack. And it sucks, because unlike my brother, who's living in Michigan on a while, I'm the big disappointment in the family next to my jailed cousin. Out of the 4 core grandchildren, I'm the only one who never attended any sort of collage, I've talked big, but never lived up to it, and the perception within the family is that I'm a bit of a failure.. or what they think of my dad.
It's a slap in the face, but its one I telegraphed unknowingly. I'm 25, living at home..if you will. No cash in the bank, but with a steady job, whats my problem. Basically, I'm lazy, I procrastinate, I lack focus, and buying shit quells any depression that sets in so that I'm not eating anymore. The weight is also a problem, one that I've promised time and time again to fix, but I'm just so fucking lazy to do it.
So now, I'm trying to prove everyone wrong. I'm trying to change my game, keep some cash in the bank every month, and I've been hitting the gym a little more. We'll see were I'm at in 6 Months.
The OTHER problem that I didn't see coming was a big blow up between me and "my friend" My friend is a girl, and we've known each other damn close to 10 years. She joined me at Con on preview night, got separated and was left with two of my other friends at con while I went to dinner with another female friend. She didn't take too kindly to that.. at least that's what she said her problem was.. Turns out..basic girl Jealousy. Shocking me to no end. She wasn't found of me spending time with a girl she didn't know. It brought up a conversation that was text for hours that I'd rather not go into, but lets just say, things were said that cant be unsaid (not in the name calling way either) She changes the conversation after certain things were spoken, and me, a guy who's been walked on by women his whole life, stopped responding.
So now a week later, I'm still not talking to her. Mostly due to me. She wont cop to cert in things, and until she dose properly.. I'll await her to call me.
This has been the nail in the back of my head all week. I've really taken a look at myself. I've been a NICE guy my whole life. I cant be a real asshole if need be. I'm 25, still pure as the driven snow, with no prospects in sight. The shit spoken last week just drummed more crap back up, and I've been in a realization/rutt about my lack of a love life. I know its part me. I know my weight and looks dint give me much, and I'm a loud, outspoken guy that spouts off random shit, but even when I'm at my most..properly made up, I'm still ignored largely by women. I've only had 3 women in my life that have shown real interest in me. 2 I couldn't reciprocate, and one is dead. Anything I usually pursue (which isn't much now.. I've learned my lessons) never seems me in any other light than the friendly fat guy.
But what if you lose the weight.. I hear some of you saying. I remind you of this. IN High school, 6 years ago, I was almost 90lbs lighter, still a big guy, but in far better condition. Again.. never got any attention from the ladies. And anyone I pursued, politely let me down. At least I got that much. Perhaps I'm socially cursed? Cant be that bad, I have a nice pool of friend. Maybe I'm just one of those guys who got dealt this kind of hand by the universe. For not everyone can have everything. Perhaps I was met to wander alone, and no intimate companion to escort me.
I don't know. I think I'm just rambling again. I hate sounding bitchy, but I always do. Its just this whole situation frustrates the hell out of me. Its that I know more, but I cant do much about it. And I have to sleep with that.
Eaton Curse probably, second things look like they re getting good, the pendulum swings the other way, and leaves me in a pile of shit.
Comic Con was two weeks ago.. and its left a void in the inner workings of my soul. Comic Con is usually my get away, my bit o heaven..but now..now I'm like that Indian on the side of the road with all the trash, and the single tear coming out of his eye. Except that Road is Comic Con.. the Trash are the ass fucks that now attend it, and As I stated, I'm the Indian with the single tear. To watch Comic Con degrade to the level it has..just tears me apart. The place holds personal, joyous memories.. now..its a shell of its former self, even with all the people attending.
Going in was a bit of a headache. The money I managed to save ended up going to various family members before Con, so I took half a pay check and stretched the hell out of it. It was fine though.. I got a few cool things, I'm happy with those.
Though.. the fallout of Con has left me bitter, yet thinking.
First off, being broke for almost a week and a half got my grandfathers attention. While he knew that I would spend a decent amount at con, he called into question why I don't have anything in savings.. since I'm living with my grandparents RENT FREE.. It turned into a somber..disappointment, then bitter conversation for about a half hour. Theres nothing worse than just having someone who's opinion you hold high beat you down. But the reality of it though. He was Right. I don't save like I should, I'm suppose to be paying off my credit cards, but I'm barley doing that, and I'm out and about fucking around and dropping cash like its going out of style. Discipline, basically, he thinks I lack. And it sucks, because unlike my brother, who's living in Michigan on a while, I'm the big disappointment in the family next to my jailed cousin. Out of the 4 core grandchildren, I'm the only one who never attended any sort of collage, I've talked big, but never lived up to it, and the perception within the family is that I'm a bit of a failure.. or what they think of my dad.
It's a slap in the face, but its one I telegraphed unknowingly. I'm 25, living at home..if you will. No cash in the bank, but with a steady job, whats my problem. Basically, I'm lazy, I procrastinate, I lack focus, and buying shit quells any depression that sets in so that I'm not eating anymore. The weight is also a problem, one that I've promised time and time again to fix, but I'm just so fucking lazy to do it.
So now, I'm trying to prove everyone wrong. I'm trying to change my game, keep some cash in the bank every month, and I've been hitting the gym a little more. We'll see were I'm at in 6 Months.
The OTHER problem that I didn't see coming was a big blow up between me and "my friend" My friend is a girl, and we've known each other damn close to 10 years. She joined me at Con on preview night, got separated and was left with two of my other friends at con while I went to dinner with another female friend. She didn't take too kindly to that.. at least that's what she said her problem was.. Turns out..basic girl Jealousy. Shocking me to no end. She wasn't found of me spending time with a girl she didn't know. It brought up a conversation that was text for hours that I'd rather not go into, but lets just say, things were said that cant be unsaid (not in the name calling way either) She changes the conversation after certain things were spoken, and me, a guy who's been walked on by women his whole life, stopped responding.
So now a week later, I'm still not talking to her. Mostly due to me. She wont cop to cert in things, and until she dose properly.. I'll await her to call me.
This has been the nail in the back of my head all week. I've really taken a look at myself. I've been a NICE guy my whole life. I cant be a real asshole if need be. I'm 25, still pure as the driven snow, with no prospects in sight. The shit spoken last week just drummed more crap back up, and I've been in a realization/rutt about my lack of a love life. I know its part me. I know my weight and looks dint give me much, and I'm a loud, outspoken guy that spouts off random shit, but even when I'm at my most..properly made up, I'm still ignored largely by women. I've only had 3 women in my life that have shown real interest in me. 2 I couldn't reciprocate, and one is dead. Anything I usually pursue (which isn't much now.. I've learned my lessons) never seems me in any other light than the friendly fat guy.
But what if you lose the weight.. I hear some of you saying. I remind you of this. IN High school, 6 years ago, I was almost 90lbs lighter, still a big guy, but in far better condition. Again.. never got any attention from the ladies. And anyone I pursued, politely let me down. At least I got that much. Perhaps I'm socially cursed? Cant be that bad, I have a nice pool of friend. Maybe I'm just one of those guys who got dealt this kind of hand by the universe. For not everyone can have everything. Perhaps I was met to wander alone, and no intimate companion to escort me.
I don't know. I think I'm just rambling again. I hate sounding bitchy, but I always do. Its just this whole situation frustrates the hell out of me. Its that I know more, but I cant do much about it. And I have to sleep with that.
Eaton Curse probably, second things look like they re getting good, the pendulum swings the other way, and leaves me in a pile of shit.
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