Arrested Development...

So,I had what could be described as Panic or Anxiety attack last week.

I've been staring at WEBMD for the last few days, and wouldn't recommend doing that to anyone. For now I'm afraid that I might be suffering from the Bends and Ectopic Pregnancy. But, the whole thing kinda shook me. It was an attack that came out of nowhere, as I was driving home at 1 am from a friends house. Luckily, I had some one in the car with me in case it got too bad and I needed someone to take the wheel. This massive wave of paranoia and untimely death just rushed over me, and my heart went from calm to HOLY JESUS FUCK, and I felt like some one kicked me in the balls. I then began going through everything I hadn't done yet in life and needed to do. It was like the flashes that a person got in DARK CITY after they had new memories implanted in them. It just ended up printing out in my head like a massive to do list that never got done.

I never finished any but one screen play.
I never got to make a movie.
I hadn't seen the world yet.

Then it hit me that I had no love life to speak of. That kinda kept the thing flared up.

Thankfully, after a half hour, and getting my friend dropped off, the attack subsided. It was kind of an eye opener to how frustrated I am with my life at this moment. It's not that I'm not happy, don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying the good life I have compared to others. No, its the fact that I've made promises to myself, promises that are poorly kept. I get mad at myself for some of the stuff I do and don't do a lot. I don't realize that I'm wasting time some times, but then there are other times when I fully realize it, but don't do anything about it.

After consulting WEB MD some more, I think that I have symptoms of Adult HDADD:

10 Symptoms of Adult ADHD

Many people think of rowdy kids who can’t sit still when they think of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD. But the fact is, symptoms of ADHD can linger into adulthood. In fact, many adults with ADHD aren’t aware they have it and don’t realize that many of the problems they face, including staying organized or being on time, are symptoms of adult ADHD.
What Causes Adult ADHD?

While experts don’t know for sure what causes ADHD, they believe genes may play an important part in who develops attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Environmental issues, such as exposure to cigarettes or alcohol while in the womb, may also play a role.

Unlike other psychiatric disorders, including anxiety and depression, ADHD can’t develop in the adult years. So symptoms must have been present since childhood for a diagnosis of adult ADHD to be made.
10 Adult ADHD Symptoms

The conventionally used diagnostic criteria for ADHD, including the most common symptoms, were developed based on how the condition shows itself in children.

These symptoms include forgetfulness and excessive daydreaming, as well as an inability to sit still, or constant fidgeting with objects.

Yet many experts think adult attention deficit hyperactivity disorder symptoms manifest themselves differently and more subtly. This can make it difficult to recognize and diagnose adult ADHD.

Adult ADHD Symptom No. 1: Problems Getting Organized

For people with ADHD, the increased responsibilities of adulthood -- bills, jobs, and children, to name a few -- can make problems with organization more obvious and more harmful than in childhood. While some ADHD symptoms are more annoying to other people than to the person with the condition, disorganization is often identified by adults struggling with ADHD as a major detractor from quality of life.

Adult ADHD Symptom No. 2: Reckless Driving and Traffic Accidents

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder makes it hard to keep your attention on a task, so spending time behind the wheel of a car can be difficult. Because of this, ADHD can make some people more likely to speed, have traffic accidents, and lose their driver’s licenses.

Adult ADHD Symptom No. 3: Marital Problems

Many people without ADHD have marital problems, of course, so a troubled marriage shouldn’t be seen as a red flag for adult ADHD. But there are some marriage problems that are particularly likely to affect the relationships of those with ADHD. Often, the partners of people with undiagnosed ADHD take poor listening skills and an inability to honor commitments as a sign that their partner doesn’t care. If you’re the person suffering from ADHD, you may not understand why you’re partner is upset, and you may feel you’re being nagged or blamed for something that’s not your fault.

Adult ADHD Symptom No. 4: Extreme Distractibility

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is a problem with attention regulation, so adult ADHD can make it difficult to succeed in today’s fast-paced, hustle-bustle world. Many people find that distractibility can lead to a history of career underperformance, especially in noisy or busy offices. If you have adult ADHD, you might find that phone calls or email derail your attention, making it hard for you to finish tasks.

Adult ADHD Symptom No. 5: Poor Listening Skills

Do you zone out during long business meetings? Did your husband forget to pick up little Jimmy at baseball practice, even though you called to remind him on his way home? Problems with attention result in poor listening skills in many adults with ADHD, leading to a lot of missed appointments and misunderstandings.
Adult ADHD Symptom No. 6: Restlessness, Problems Relaxing

While many children with ADHD are “hyperactive,” this ADHD symptom often appears differently in adults. Rather than bouncing off the walls, adults with ADHD are more likely to exhibit restlessness or find they can’t relax. If you have adult ADHD, others might describe you as edgy or tense.

Adult ADHD Symptom No. 7: Problems Starting a Task

Just as children with ADHD often put off doing homework, people with adult ADHD often drag their feet when starting tasks that require a lot of attention. This procrastination often adds to existing problems, including marital disagreements, workplace issues, and problems with friends.
Adult ADHD Symptom No. 8: Chronic Lateness

There are many reasons adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder are usually late. First, they’re often distracted on the way to an event, maybe realizing the car needs to be washed, and then noticing they’re low on gas, and before they know it an hour has gone by. People with adult ADHD also tend to underestimate how much time it takes to finish a task, whether it’s a major assignment at work or a simple home repair.

Adult ADHD Symptom No. 9: Angry Outbursts

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder often leads to problems controlling emotions. Many people with adult ADHD are quick to explode over minor issues. Often, the person with ADHD feels as if they have absolutely no control over their emotions. Many times, their anger fades as quickly as it flared, long before the people who dealt with the outburst have gotten over the incident.
Adult ADHD Symptom No. 10: Prioritizing Issues

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder can wreak havoc on planning, too. Often, people with adult ADHD mis-prioritize, failing to meet big obligations, like a deadline at work, while spending countless hours on something insignificant, such as getting a higher score on a video game.


Now, I don't suffer from Driving issues, or marital problems, but I more or less have a lot of these issues.

I think it might be hereditary. Cause my dad has some of these problems too, and he's got the failed marriage under his belt also. But I'm very self aware at the same time, while being overly paranoid (which I get from my mother) and that last Paragraph really nailed home a good problem that I know that I suffer from. I plan and plan, but never follow through properly, and I waste countless hours on the net doing next to nothing some times. Or I write, and when I write, I get frustrated that it's never as good as I think my writing should be.

It might also account for my non existent love life. But I chop that up to social awkwardness, weight, and my under par looks.

The kicker is that I know that I can do some of the stuff I set out to do. But I always find myself cutting it short or never finishing it. Its what a goldfish must feel like, that's probably why they're so content with sitting in a bowl sucking on fake pebbles all day.

All I know is that I'm 25. I made a promise to myself at the age of 16 after reading REBEL WITH OUT A CREW that I would be on my way to a career in film at this age. Instead, I'm no better off than I was in High school. With the years going by faster, I have a horrible feeling that I'm going to wake up one day, 48, and realized that I've done nothing with my life, and drown my sorrows at a buffet until my eventual death by Tidal Wave at the beach one night.



I think I'm going to lay off energy drinks for a bit..