Grey vs Green

I havent written anything on here in a while. I dont know why. Oh yes I do, it's because I'm fucking lazy as hell. That, and I've figured out that I'm a morning writer. Most of my hardcore thoughts are usually while I'm sitting in a pickup truck between 9 and 11 am. Hell, techniqually, as I write this, its near 3am on a monday morning.

I'm wide awake, but have to be at work in 5 hours, but I clearly dont care.

So what am I writing this now for.. I'm not sure. Maybe the inner guilt that I feel for not trying to write more.

Or maybe its my fustration that my creativity drive has pettered out a bit in the last few months. I've started about 5 diffrent scripts, they're all done in my head, but I cant seem get them down on paper.. Hell, I've been trying to write a book too, yet, pfft, nothing.

I've been drinking green tea to help my focus, so far its helped my sleepiness at work in the morning, but not much else.

With the new year coming, and me turning 26 in less than 2 months, I finally feel that I've hit a wall of sorts. Theres mind sets in my noggin at the moment that are at odds ends with each other. One is the kid chris. The one thats kinda perpetually stuck in my highschool frame of mind. The one that dosnt see far ahead into the future, lives in the now, is really lazy but has a ton of ideas that I'll get to one day, but not now. That Chris is still in the mind set that he's 19, still young and has all the time in the world, so just keep fucking off right now.

The other Chris, is the Chris that's trying to break free of being reliant of the damn family for support. The one that wants to go on to bigger and better things. Wants to take some risks, thinks more like an adult, and do some more thing with his life than whats going on right now. A maturing frame of mind if you will

Now take these two, add low self esteem, a weight problem, and can't focus worth shit, so I'm constantly stumbling over words,and contraindicating myself time after time. Think Bruce Banner dealing with both the Green and Grey Hulk in his head. Both are fighting for supremecy, and both are at a stalemate.

That's me at this moment.

But the middle frame of mind, the Banner side if you will, dosnt want either to win. Like religion, I want the cherry pick of both sides. Theres part of me that would love to stay with the enthusiasim and woderment of a kid, while being fiscally responsible, confident, and enjoy some perks of being an adult.

If only I had my own Doc Strange to merge the two waring chris's with my current, awake state of mind into one powerful entity. But to have one's cake and to eat it too isnt always feesible.

Perhaps I need therepy. Perhaps not.

All I know is that its 3:12 in the am and I should be going to be for work in the morning.. so I think I'll do that.