Forever Faccid

There are some things in life that just shut you down. This day, for many, it was the untimely death of pop legend MICHEAL JACKSON. (which by the way, I'm going to be the first and call it: SUICIDE!) For others, its tragic news of other sorts, or witnessing something horrifying or unreal. 9/11 anyone?

Well, yesterday, I had one of those moments.

I had just gotten home from work. It was a long day, I was running off of 2 hours of sleep due to my 4 am bed time thanks to watching Transformers. After taking a shower and getting about 10 pounds of sweat and motor oil off of me, I freshened up to go out for the evening. I descended down stairs to find my grandparents talking with my uncle. So I decided to join them.

My uncle had just gotten back from Texas, and was regaling us with his adventures out there. I sat down on the couch next to my grandmother and listened for 20 minutes about my uncle sloshing through stagnate, mosquito ridden water on the ranch he hangs out on with this drinking buddies. After a laugh or two, my grandmother brought up their upcoming trip up to wine country the next day. That's when she brought up how "painful" of a ride its going to be.

Joking about taking a seat doughnut, my uncle asked her about going to the doctors.

Now at this point, I thought they were talking about Hemorrhoids. Its not uncommon for older folk to get them, and I know of some YOUNGER folk that get them due to poor diets.

Well, not exactly. My grandmother brought up surgery, and my grandfather, in his own magical way that this man can, bemoans that "you've beaten it 3 times already, whats a 4th time" Well, I became a little concerned. Cancer again?

My grandmother in the last 50 years has had breast cancer 3 times! She's beaten it every time, but from pieces of the puzzle I was getting, this wasn't breast cancer.

It was here that I now wish I had left for the night.

Not breast cancer, but something else. Trying to be coy about it, my grandmother mentions getting an "exam" at the doctors that was painful as "CHILDBIRTH".. Ok.. I thought.. Where is this going. My grandmother looks over at me, and in her own mind decided, eh..fuck it. Her words at this point were as followed. "Eh, you're old enough, I've been getting orgasms at night and I didn't know why, but apparently threes a growth on my clitoris and they're going to have to remove it"

I looked over at my grandfather, who seemed grumpy as normal, then to my uncle, who was a little off putting, but kept it inside. I on the other hand, kept a straight face, but on the inside, MY DICK WAS SCREAMING!

Mentally, I was throwing up and committing suicide at the same time. I couldn't leave just yet, for it would have been..well, rude. After all, she was, in her own head, medically sound about the whole thing.

My grandfather broker the uneasily silence saying that she's going to be right at home with them Ethiopian girls that get that done, and dose she want a disc for her lip. My uncle laughed, I chuckled physically as inside I was aiming 3 kinds of guns at my temple, pulling the trigger, but nothing was happening.

Finally, my buddy Mike called my and I excused myself. I talked to him for a minute then left quietly. With this knowledge inside my head, the possibilities of getting erect were done. I figured that I'm going to end up like one of them eccentric billionaires that needs to kill a hobo with a fork to get an erection from now on.

I went to my moms place to watch a horrible video online to maybe kill the images in my head. My brother and his friend walked through the door and looked at me as if they had something to say. I sighed, and told them that I may never be aroused again. They stared at me and asked why. I told them this "Nana told me she was getting orgasms and is now going to have her clitoris removed" My brother instantly went into dry heaves and convulsions, his friend, who we regularly joke about sick shit, like rape and baby punting, screamed in terror and ran into the other room with his hands over his ears. My brother was hacking at this point and looked at me and asked "WHAT THE RUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I simply told him, that I'm now dead on the inside and that I had to share it with someone. His friend came back into the room proclaiming that that's the worst thing he's ever heard, even more than the phrase "LITTLE BOY PEE PEE" My brother continued to flip around like he had just gotten kicked in the nuts, ran into the bathroom and latterly spit up a little bit.

I then started laughing. I laughed and laughed, then made dolphin noises over this scene. It brought back a little bit of my soul that had been lost! My brother returned to the room, and his friend stated bringing it up, until my brother simply yelled "SHUT THE FUCK UP! BOTH OF YOU, YOU"RE GOING TO HELL! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE"

I still think that if I had any shot at getting laid, it has now been made more difficult, as this will forever be burned into the back of my skull till I'm cold and in the ground. For some things, cannot be unheard.