Movies I loved in 2009

Yeah.. I got some more bullshit to write, but I honestly don't feel like it right now.. So I'm going to post what I felt were the best films of 2009 to clear out the ol noggin. Did a decent amount of movie watching this year, and thanks to "Screeners" caught a lot of stuff that I couldn't make in the theaters.

So, with out more grandstanding, here are my top ten favorite films for 2009

10. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans




I freely admit that I LOVE the works of Nic Cage. There are a lot of people that say hes a hack, but I say different. He's got a classic method actor type to him, and the man plays batshit crazy like no one else working today. Bad Lieutenant teamed Cage with batshit director Werner Herzog, and gave us the story of a cop who breaks his back saving a jailed inmate after Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans. The injury leads him to start smoking crack, weed, and more uppers and downers than what was in the trunk of Raoul Duke's car. Just everything about this film is insane, to a degree that it cannot but helped to be loved. Hell, even Eva Mendes was grand in it! But when you have Nic Cage strung out on crack, and hasn't slept for almost 4 days, telling a drug kingpin to shoot a guy who's dead on the ground because "HIS SOUL IS STILL DANCING" (and you see the soul break dancing next to the body) you know you've witnessed a masterpiece that only few dare dream.

9. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra



I think I was the only person in the world that had nothing but great expectations for this film BEFORE it came out. I love the post Deep Rising works of Stephan Sommers, and when I heard he was making G.I. Joe, I knew it was going to be something off the wall. While many others balked at my claims, and proclaimed that Transformers 2 would be the Hasbro film of the year, I was eventually vindicated when this bad boy hit the screens. Much like last years Speed Racer (which was my favorite film of 2008) G.I. Joe knew what it was, and ran with it. Sure, it's kinda silly, but the film embraced the greatness of G.I. Joe the cartoon, and ramped it up for a real world take..if you can call booster suits real world. While Channing Tatum left a little to be desired as Duke, everyone else was a blast in this film. With Snake Eye's jumping over flipped cars, the Effie tower being destroyed and a massive underwater battle being waged underneath the arctic circle, G.I. Joe Rise of Cobra proved to be the purest form of escapism this year.

8. The Hurt Locker



I really don't give a shit for the post 9/11 war films. Most usually just wallow in self loathing of how we're ruining everyone life being over there. While my political views don't line up necessarily with that statement, Kathryn Bigelow threw that shit out the window and gave the world an old fashion war film in a modern setting. Jeremy Renner as the biggest lose cannon nut job that's just too damn good at what he dose to be kicked out of the army. And what dose he do? He diffuses fucking BOMBS! And he's damn proud of his work! Following him through his year deployment in Iraq was the edgiest ride of the year!

7. Crank High Voltage



Do I really need to explain why I love this film. It's Jason Statham literally fucking some bullets! Add that to Giant Monster Statham, Robo Statham, and Hyper Fire mode Statham. Add a touch of public sex at Hollywood Park along with a stripper having her tits delfate after they're pierced by a bullet, all shot on a Sony HD min cam, and you've got the makings of possibly the most chaotic movie of the year.

6. Where the Wild Things Are





Though I only waited 3 years for this movie, I've really been waiting for this film since I was 4 years old. I'm really glad that I'm the age I am when I viewed this near masterpiece, as it really hits a new cord with me. Beautifully shot, fantastically scored, Spike Jones could not have made a better film out of the book. You actually believe that Max Records is shooting his scenes with REAL Wild Things that the production crew some how manage to trap, train to act and emote on a level that will just tug at the strings of your soul.

5. Black Dynamite





2 years ago, Grindhouse came out. That film tried to be a loving tribute to the classic grindhouse era of film. They never came as close to that tribute as Black Dynamite did with its off colored tribute to the Blaxsploitation films of the 70's. A triumphant return of Michael Jai White to baddassery that he once held after Spawn. I will forever utter the phrase "WHO DARES INTERRUPT MY KUNG FU" in the halls of my home!

4. Worlds Greatest Dad






Bobcat Goldthwait, the weird dude from those police academy movies. The man who lit Jay Leno's chair on fire on the Tonight Show. No. I'm talking about Bobcat Goldthwith one of the most surprising writer/director working today. Worlds Greatest Dad is such a dark, yet touching film. Superbly acted by Robin Williams, as a failed writer who happens to be the loving father of a duchbag son. Things go awry and unlikely success stems from a great tragedy. While I always though of Bobcat as just a funnyman comic, if he continues to produce work like this, he may well go down in film history as a dark horse of brilliant filmmakers.

3. Coraline



All hail stop motion. The art is not dead, and Henry Selick is the man keeping the art alive. While CG animation might be the thing right now, there is a life and a soul in Coraline that could only be brought to the surface through stop motion animation. Combine that with the work of Neil Gaiman and watch as brilliance dances on the screen before your very eyes. The film is wild and imaginative, and never afraid to go to a darker place than normal kids fare!

2. The Fantastic Mr. Fox




Number 2 on my list is also another stop motion feature. This time from one of my favorite filmmakers working today. Wes Anderson. Based on the Roald Dahl book, Wes took the material, infused it with his own style, and brought it to life through stop motion. To Coraline's state of the art stop motion techniques, Mr Fox is the opposite. Going for an old school style akin to the greatness of Gumby, or Rankin Bass specials.

1 UP



Pixar can do no wrong..plain and simple.. All I have to say is that if you hate this movie, you truly have no soul and a black heart.. OH, and be ready to get in line behind all of the murders and rapists because they're getting into heaven before you! Up is just...perfect.

I like to also give a nice shout out to the following:

Avatar, Zombieland,Watchmen, Knowing, Cloudy with A Chance of Meatballs, Outlander, Fanboys, The Hangover, The Brothers Bloom, District 9, The Haunted World of El Superbesto, Paranormal Activity, Sherlock Holmes, and of course, Inglorious Basterds, which almost made this list..

Grey vs Green

I havent written anything on here in a while. I dont know why. Oh yes I do, it's because I'm fucking lazy as hell. That, and I've figured out that I'm a morning writer. Most of my hardcore thoughts are usually while I'm sitting in a pickup truck between 9 and 11 am. Hell, techniqually, as I write this, its near 3am on a monday morning.

I'm wide awake, but have to be at work in 5 hours, but I clearly dont care.

So what am I writing this now for.. I'm not sure. Maybe the inner guilt that I feel for not trying to write more.

Or maybe its my fustration that my creativity drive has pettered out a bit in the last few months. I've started about 5 diffrent scripts, they're all done in my head, but I cant seem get them down on paper.. Hell, I've been trying to write a book too, yet, pfft, nothing.

I've been drinking green tea to help my focus, so far its helped my sleepiness at work in the morning, but not much else.

With the new year coming, and me turning 26 in less than 2 months, I finally feel that I've hit a wall of sorts. Theres mind sets in my noggin at the moment that are at odds ends with each other. One is the kid chris. The one thats kinda perpetually stuck in my highschool frame of mind. The one that dosnt see far ahead into the future, lives in the now, is really lazy but has a ton of ideas that I'll get to one day, but not now. That Chris is still in the mind set that he's 19, still young and has all the time in the world, so just keep fucking off right now.

The other Chris, is the Chris that's trying to break free of being reliant of the damn family for support. The one that wants to go on to bigger and better things. Wants to take some risks, thinks more like an adult, and do some more thing with his life than whats going on right now. A maturing frame of mind if you will

Now take these two, add low self esteem, a weight problem, and can't focus worth shit, so I'm constantly stumbling over words,and contraindicating myself time after time. Think Bruce Banner dealing with both the Green and Grey Hulk in his head. Both are fighting for supremecy, and both are at a stalemate.

That's me at this moment.

But the middle frame of mind, the Banner side if you will, dosnt want either to win. Like religion, I want the cherry pick of both sides. Theres part of me that would love to stay with the enthusiasim and woderment of a kid, while being fiscally responsible, confident, and enjoy some perks of being an adult.

If only I had my own Doc Strange to merge the two waring chris's with my current, awake state of mind into one powerful entity. But to have one's cake and to eat it too isnt always feesible.

Perhaps I need therepy. Perhaps not.

All I know is that its 3:12 in the am and I should be going to be for work in the morning.. so I think I'll do that.

Challenge of a lazy fuck!

So, to get to the gist of what Im going to say, I'm cutting and pasting the artical I just wrote over at THEREALMCAST.com

Its been a while since I posted an edition of the Panzer Crush.

I’ve been busy. Working on the site, the podcast, and then there’s my day job. All of these combined with a slight creative stall I hit during the month had left me really unable to muster up something worth while.

BUT NOT ANYMORE!

Let me explain. About 3 weeks ago, I hosted a recording of our podcast at my place. It was the first time the rest of the crew here at the REALMCAST had seen my base of operations. So to say that I wanted everything perfect was a bit of an understatement. One of the things I wanted perfect was my DVD collection, one of my pride and joys. Ever since I got my first job at the age of 16, I have spent most of my hard earned cash on DVDs. My first paycheck went to buying a $250 DVD player (this was way back in 2000, when they weren’t so cheap), and the first 3 DVD’s I purchased were

MALLRATS

Mallrats

CHASING AMY

Chasing Amy

and

THE MATRIX

Matrix

From those original 3, I have amassed a collection of nearly 700. While there are many other collectors that have more, I’m actually quite proud of what I’ve obtained. Basically, if I like the film, toon, show, ect, I buy it. Its a vast array of titles ranging from ITS A WONDERFUL LIFE to JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER and everything in between.

So, when the gang showed up, I had what shelves I own up and filled to the brim of DVDs. 5 shelves turned out, wasn’t enough. I had 3 full boxes of Anime and other miscellaneous titles still packed away from my move from the apartment I shared with a friend to my current location.

Well, lets just say, that after many months of boasting to my friends, when they laid eyes on my collection, there was much impression. I spent the next half hour going through the random titles that I owned, giving out titles to be watched by others, when, I started noticing I have a few DVD’s that I’ve bought or were given, that..I haven’t seen yet. Not, “Hey, I didn’t open this because I saw it in the theater”, but more “I know I bought this for a reason”.

After everyone left, I started going through my collection and set aside every DVD that I have that I haven’t seen the content of. When it was all said and done, I had this.

Things 001
Over 50 DVD of films and TV that I haven’t watched. Some of these have been in my collection for almost 5 years now.

In the words of the great Lebowski, “THIS WILL NOT STAND!”

So, in a personal challenge to myself, I have vowed to start watching EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE by OCTOBER 29th 2009. Why then? Well, I usually do a horror movie fest the weekend of Halloween, and that gets pushed back for nothing!

Now, if you care, how will you know if I’ve watched any of these?

My answer, after watching each DVD, I will write a small review, along with some thoughts on the DVD it’s self. This will be part of a new month long column called: LAZY BASTARDS DVD CHALLENGE. There is no set limit to what I watch in a day, and I will keep things random.

So, can I do it? Or will I have to fork over my geek cred and call my self a puss for not being able to watch a bunch of movies, that by all means, I should of seen already.

Well, come October 29th, we will see.

Thats basically it. Im giving myself a month to watch a shitload of DVDS!

I dont like writing these kinds of posts.......

I really don't..but I've got to much on my mind.

Comic Con was two weeks ago.. and its left a void in the inner workings of my soul. Comic Con is usually my get away, my bit o heaven..but now..now I'm like that Indian on the side of the road with all the trash, and the single tear coming out of his eye. Except that Road is Comic Con.. the Trash are the ass fucks that now attend it, and As I stated, I'm the Indian with the single tear. To watch Comic Con degrade to the level it has..just tears me apart. The place holds personal, joyous memories.. now..its a shell of its former self, even with all the people attending.



Going in was a bit of a headache. The money I managed to save ended up going to various family members before Con, so I took half a pay check and stretched the hell out of it. It was fine though.. I got a few cool things, I'm happy with those.

Though.. the fallout of Con has left me bitter, yet thinking.

First off, being broke for almost a week and a half got my grandfathers attention. While he knew that I would spend a decent amount at con, he called into question why I don't have anything in savings.. since I'm living with my grandparents RENT FREE.. It turned into a somber..disappointment, then bitter conversation for about a half hour. Theres nothing worse than just having someone who's opinion you hold high beat you down. But the reality of it though. He was Right. I don't save like I should, I'm suppose to be paying off my credit cards, but I'm barley doing that, and I'm out and about fucking around and dropping cash like its going out of style. Discipline, basically, he thinks I lack. And it sucks, because unlike my brother, who's living in Michigan on a while, I'm the big disappointment in the family next to my jailed cousin. Out of the 4 core grandchildren, I'm the only one who never attended any sort of collage, I've talked big, but never lived up to it, and the perception within the family is that I'm a bit of a failure.. or what they think of my dad.

It's a slap in the face, but its one I telegraphed unknowingly. I'm 25, living at home..if you will. No cash in the bank, but with a steady job, whats my problem. Basically, I'm lazy, I procrastinate, I lack focus, and buying shit quells any depression that sets in so that I'm not eating anymore. The weight is also a problem, one that I've promised time and time again to fix, but I'm just so fucking lazy to do it.

So now, I'm trying to prove everyone wrong. I'm trying to change my game, keep some cash in the bank every month, and I've been hitting the gym a little more. We'll see were I'm at in 6 Months.

The OTHER problem that I didn't see coming was a big blow up between me and "my friend" My friend is a girl, and we've known each other damn close to 10 years. She joined me at Con on preview night, got separated and was left with two of my other friends at con while I went to dinner with another female friend. She didn't take too kindly to that.. at least that's what she said her problem was.. Turns out..basic girl Jealousy. Shocking me to no end. She wasn't found of me spending time with a girl she didn't know. It brought up a conversation that was text for hours that I'd rather not go into, but lets just say, things were said that cant be unsaid (not in the name calling way either) She changes the conversation after certain things were spoken, and me, a guy who's been walked on by women his whole life, stopped responding.

So now a week later, I'm still not talking to her. Mostly due to me. She wont cop to cert in things, and until she dose properly.. I'll await her to call me.

This has been the nail in the back of my head all week. I've really taken a look at myself. I've been a NICE guy my whole life. I cant be a real asshole if need be. I'm 25, still pure as the driven snow, with no prospects in sight. The shit spoken last week just drummed more crap back up, and I've been in a realization/rutt about my lack of a love life. I know its part me. I know my weight and looks dint give me much, and I'm a loud, outspoken guy that spouts off random shit, but even when I'm at my most..properly made up, I'm still ignored largely by women. I've only had 3 women in my life that have shown real interest in me. 2 I couldn't reciprocate, and one is dead. Anything I usually pursue (which isn't much now.. I've learned my lessons) never seems me in any other light than the friendly fat guy.

But what if you lose the weight.. I hear some of you saying. I remind you of this. IN High school, 6 years ago, I was almost 90lbs lighter, still a big guy, but in far better condition. Again.. never got any attention from the ladies. And anyone I pursued, politely let me down. At least I got that much. Perhaps I'm socially cursed? Cant be that bad, I have a nice pool of friend. Maybe I'm just one of those guys who got dealt this kind of hand by the universe. For not everyone can have everything. Perhaps I was met to wander alone, and no intimate companion to escort me.

I don't know. I think I'm just rambling again. I hate sounding bitchy, but I always do. Its just this whole situation frustrates the hell out of me. Its that I know more, but I cant do much about it. And I have to sleep with that.

Eaton Curse probably, second things look like they re getting good, the pendulum swings the other way, and leaves me in a pile of shit.

Forever Faccid

There are some things in life that just shut you down. This day, for many, it was the untimely death of pop legend MICHEAL JACKSON. (which by the way, I'm going to be the first and call it: SUICIDE!) For others, its tragic news of other sorts, or witnessing something horrifying or unreal. 9/11 anyone?

Well, yesterday, I had one of those moments.

I had just gotten home from work. It was a long day, I was running off of 2 hours of sleep due to my 4 am bed time thanks to watching Transformers. After taking a shower and getting about 10 pounds of sweat and motor oil off of me, I freshened up to go out for the evening. I descended down stairs to find my grandparents talking with my uncle. So I decided to join them.

My uncle had just gotten back from Texas, and was regaling us with his adventures out there. I sat down on the couch next to my grandmother and listened for 20 minutes about my uncle sloshing through stagnate, mosquito ridden water on the ranch he hangs out on with this drinking buddies. After a laugh or two, my grandmother brought up their upcoming trip up to wine country the next day. That's when she brought up how "painful" of a ride its going to be.

Joking about taking a seat doughnut, my uncle asked her about going to the doctors.

Now at this point, I thought they were talking about Hemorrhoids. Its not uncommon for older folk to get them, and I know of some YOUNGER folk that get them due to poor diets.

Well, not exactly. My grandmother brought up surgery, and my grandfather, in his own magical way that this man can, bemoans that "you've beaten it 3 times already, whats a 4th time" Well, I became a little concerned. Cancer again?

My grandmother in the last 50 years has had breast cancer 3 times! She's beaten it every time, but from pieces of the puzzle I was getting, this wasn't breast cancer.

It was here that I now wish I had left for the night.

Not breast cancer, but something else. Trying to be coy about it, my grandmother mentions getting an "exam" at the doctors that was painful as "CHILDBIRTH".. Ok.. I thought.. Where is this going. My grandmother looks over at me, and in her own mind decided, eh..fuck it. Her words at this point were as followed. "Eh, you're old enough, I've been getting orgasms at night and I didn't know why, but apparently threes a growth on my clitoris and they're going to have to remove it"

I looked over at my grandfather, who seemed grumpy as normal, then to my uncle, who was a little off putting, but kept it inside. I on the other hand, kept a straight face, but on the inside, MY DICK WAS SCREAMING!

Mentally, I was throwing up and committing suicide at the same time. I couldn't leave just yet, for it would have been..well, rude. After all, she was, in her own head, medically sound about the whole thing.

My grandfather broker the uneasily silence saying that she's going to be right at home with them Ethiopian girls that get that done, and dose she want a disc for her lip. My uncle laughed, I chuckled physically as inside I was aiming 3 kinds of guns at my temple, pulling the trigger, but nothing was happening.

Finally, my buddy Mike called my and I excused myself. I talked to him for a minute then left quietly. With this knowledge inside my head, the possibilities of getting erect were done. I figured that I'm going to end up like one of them eccentric billionaires that needs to kill a hobo with a fork to get an erection from now on.

I went to my moms place to watch a horrible video online to maybe kill the images in my head. My brother and his friend walked through the door and looked at me as if they had something to say. I sighed, and told them that I may never be aroused again. They stared at me and asked why. I told them this "Nana told me she was getting orgasms and is now going to have her clitoris removed" My brother instantly went into dry heaves and convulsions, his friend, who we regularly joke about sick shit, like rape and baby punting, screamed in terror and ran into the other room with his hands over his ears. My brother was hacking at this point and looked at me and asked "WHAT THE RUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I simply told him, that I'm now dead on the inside and that I had to share it with someone. His friend came back into the room proclaiming that that's the worst thing he's ever heard, even more than the phrase "LITTLE BOY PEE PEE" My brother continued to flip around like he had just gotten kicked in the nuts, ran into the bathroom and latterly spit up a little bit.

I then started laughing. I laughed and laughed, then made dolphin noises over this scene. It brought back a little bit of my soul that had been lost! My brother returned to the room, and his friend stated bringing it up, until my brother simply yelled "SHUT THE FUCK UP! BOTH OF YOU, YOU"RE GOING TO HELL! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE"

I still think that if I had any shot at getting laid, it has now been made more difficult, as this will forever be burned into the back of my skull till I'm cold and in the ground. For some things, cannot be unheard.

Fatty Fatty 2x4

Well, its no trade secret.. I'm fat.

Yes, fat, and not the JOLLY kinda of fat like John Goodman,



the kinda that carries it self well, and cant be imagine thin. No, I'm medically termed, MORBIDLY OBESE.

It wasn't all ways like this.. I was thin at one point in my life, roughly 7 years ago:

Here's proof!



The irony of this pic is that I know look like Del Toro, and he's lost a ton of weight!

So why am I stating the obvious?

Well, its because I fooled myself into thinking I was doing well. I thought, "Eh, I'm not that bad, I've been worse.."

No, no I haven't.

I came to this conclusion after my trip to Arizona a week ago, and got the pictures back.

This picture,



is possibly, the SECOND worst picture of me ever taken, and I don't care if the ferret makes it cuter!

I think that my problem is that I've put back on all the wight I shed last summer and that my mind has been too lax and in a fog to realize that I've been a lazy fuck when I'm anywhere but work. Oh, and even when I'm at work, I nap during lunch time, and chug mountain dew amps constantly to stay awake.

The other problem is, I see myself in a very MATRIX like fashion. When I look in the mirror, I don't see the KINGPIN esq figure looking back, no, like Neo after being plugged into the matrix for the first time since waking up bald, I see myself as I think I am, fat, but not bad.

Is it insanity? Or just denial? I think I'm going with the latter.

But that's the beauty of cameras, they don't lie!

So I've made a bold proclamation: Cut 30lbs in 6 weeks. That's right around the time of comic con. I know its an odd thing to want to get thinner for, but I don't want to be just another fat loser there, but instead, a husky go getter!

So sans tonight as I write this, I'm hitting the gym in the morning before work, hopefully to get the adrenaline going for the job and not need an energy drink in the morning, No more soda for a while, and Gym for 2 hours every night!

I've shed almost 15 pound in less than a day, I think I can do 30 in a healthy fashion in 6 weeks.

Hell, I might finally snag a girl.............

bah who am I kidding, I still have literal TONS to go before that could ever happen.

Grandparents vs Modern Technology

Its been a lovely week in the house hold that I currently call home base. This is the week that the BIG digital conversion happens in tv, meaning that the analog signal goes bye bye and we usher in a new age of DIGITAL!..

So my grandparents,




both in their early 80's, like many people their age, Don't have cable or satellite TV. My grandmother records TV shows on basic TV like a crack head needing a fix. There are literally 200 recordable VHS tapes sitting in 4 different piles in their massive home. Since they don't "WORK" anymore, they'll watch one show when it airs, and then, go back and watch a show on tape that they recorded roughly 5 months prior!

This has been their routine since I was just a wee lad still in my feety pajamas and they were real heavy into shows like LA LAW and HUNTER!

So, with this new DIGITAL conversion happening, a stereotype like a black loving Grape Soda, they're old, and had to buy the digital converter boxes. And guess who gets to help hook them up!

This guy.



...aka me!

Now, to get an idea of the last 2 days of getting these things set up properly, (which is as easy as plugging a hair dryer into the wall outlet) consider this:

My grandparents have been married for 59 years. My grandfather reminds me of Clint Eastwood's character from Grand Torino, and my grandmother is a hybrid of Ethel Murtz and Lucy Ricardo! Constantly looking for some sort of entertaining stimulation with Ethel's looks! Combined that, and woo! Just a cornucopia of colorful language!

We finally get the damn boxes up and running, and with things like these, it takes my grandfather a day or so to get use to it. Grandmother, it'll be another 4 years before she figures out what channel the things need to be on just to watch TV.

Now, for the big kicker. With these digital boxes, its like a cable box. There's a separate remote and the box changes the channel, not the TV or VCR. Which means... that the Timer Recorder on the VCR is now rendered USELESS! It took them 5 months to properly grasp the concept of DVDs when my aunt bought them a DVD player for Christmas 3 years ago. But they didn't understand it when I told them that VHS was basically dead, and, at the time, in a few years that they're tape collection will be useless. Well, that day came yesterday.

They went in to full on denial mode like a army general when he finds out his first born son is a flaming homosexual!

My grandfather insist that the company that produced these boxes wouldn't make them that you couldn't TIMER RECORD off your TV. I told them that they can still "RECORD" but it has to be what they're currently watching, and if you set a channel on the VCR that's not the channel set to the Converter box, they're just going to record fuzz. My grandmother insist that she's successfully recorded a bunch of shows in the last 2 days. In review, nothing but fuzz.

This has led to the resumed talk of getting cable finally. I've been pushing the idea since I've moved in for several reasons.

A) DVR: With our satellite service, my mom's place gets free DVR and 100 hours of recording. No more tapes. I tell them that they would be like kids in a candy store, hopped up on crank! It would make life so much easier!
B) I would have cable at their place, and I would be able to stop hanging out at my moms place and dealing with her shit every day.
C) I buy most of the stuff that comes on the Discovery Channel. They love Deadliest Catch. I tell them that they would be able to watch this stuff WHEN IT AIRS! Not only that but cable TV has so many superior shows than regular TV that they wouldn't know where to start!

This has enticed my grandmother, who lives vicariously through everyone else in the family, thus driving them nuts, and give her something to do during the day! She's real Gun ho for it. My grandfather, not so much. He's always been big on not paying for TV. He's very adamant about not spending $80 a month

So for now, at least the time being, I come home to the ramblings of two people in a loving, hate filled marriage over TV. I then go upstairs, grab some films (that haven't been pillaged by them or my brother) and go to my moms place, where I can at least talk back when I'm getting bitched at.

I'm currently recruiting the rest of the family to get behind my call to arms to get my grandparents to break down and finally get cable TV.. Life would be so much easier then.. just for once!

Dead Man's Party

Before I begin, let me make one statement.

FUCK ARIZONA!

It'll be a cold day in hell and the devils piss will freeze mid stream before I go back there again.

I spent this weekend out in Lake Havasu. Not a place that I had a lot of motivation to visit, but this was an extreme circumstance. I'm not going to go deep into it, but my friends mom had suddenly passed away, and the funeral was in Havasu. Again, it would take something of that importance to get me to go out there.

So, after driving 4 hours across the god forsaken desert, my travel companions and I arrive in Havasu, only to get lost from the shit poor street structuring and giant looping design of the place. There were no less than 6 different Lake Havasu streets: Lake Havasu st, Lake Havasu dr, Lake Havasu cir ect. ALL RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER!!!!! It was maddening to the point that I wanted to go to the grave of the man who founded the town, dig up his bones and urinate in his skull!

We finally find my buddies place, plop down after some food, and I get a few hours of sleep and we head off to the funeral home.

I like to claim that a lot of things don't get to me. I've watched my fair share of perverted acts of sexual debauchery and seen people get maimed and killed online. Graveyards are kinda fascinating to me in a weird way, but not in that Goth-y, lets fuck on a persons grave while we recite Danzig lyrics. But there are two major places in which I can't explain my self in. 1) Hospitals. Something about the sanitized smell of death puts me on edge like cat who's fur is being petted the wrong way. 2) Funerals.

I've been to 3 so far in my life time, and I know that there will be more, but there is something in the atmosphere that makes me uneasy and paranoid. And it's not the fact that there's some one DEAD in a box across from where I'm sitting. I don't know, something just unnerves me.

The service goes off, and its sad, like funerals are. But at the end of the service, after everyone has said their peace, the Reverend gave us a couple psalms, and everyone had some what held it together, they play a video. What a bad idea.

Personally, I think that home video is the greatest BOON to the death industry. This was prime example. See the funeral started out with a touching song that was played over the PA system. It got every one's water works going. But the video, a montage of my friend's mother (who I knew very well, and was a wonderful woman) was just a gut punch after a terrible beating had just went down. The photos and stock footage of the things she loved played to a sad song had just about everyone in the place a massive heap. I thought to myself at this moment "WHAT DIRTY RAT BASTARD THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA AT THIS MOMENT!"

It was at this point that I started thinking, as I normally do.

I started thinking about my Funeral. Morbid I know. But let me elaborate..

It was a HELLBLAZER issue,


in which John Constantine was dying of cancer (much like in the movie) and he had just left the doctors office and was having an ALAN MOORE monologue to himself. He put it "A lot of people don't think about dying, but its something that the should" (I'm butchering the quote, as I don't have the issue handy at the moment) but it's something that's always stuck with me.

I'm constantly up in my own head, going over scenarios and other things, that's why I write on here. My own demise is one of the things that I'm constantly obsessed about. I joke about it from time to time, and its part of the reason I don't go to the beach at night. (I had a recurring dream that I would buy it in a massive tidal wave at the beach at night.. never seeing the thing coming till it was too late) but its something that I can't get out of my head. No, its not emo ish thoughts of suicide either, its the opposite. Where I get paranoid some times about doing things that I think might end it all. I've gotten over a lot of it in the last few years after doing some soul searching, but there are still little things that put me back in that mind set.

But, my funeral is something that I rarely think about. At this moment though, it was something that I starting going over in my head.

I decided on several things.

A) No cremation. Unless I pop off in a chemical fire, or I'm ravaged by a new contagious disease, I want my body in tact. My perfect situation would to be like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky, and freeze myself till science can revive me. Preferably as s cyborg, but I'll take ravenous bio beast too! If that cant be done, I would like to be Entombed, like the mighty Pharaohs or fallen hero's of history. And if that's the way it has to be, I want some taxidermy done on me like Lenin did.





B) No sad music. I don't want fucking Green Day's Time of your life, the fucking song from the Breakfast club, any thing by fucking Coldplay or anything with a down beat! What I want is something WAY over the line and inappropriate. I want the service to start with me in the casket, propped up against the wall, not lying down! I want to adorn in armour with a battle ax in one hand and a sycle in the other, and WHITE AND NERDY by Weird Al to kick things off. Then when it seems like things are going to settle down after the initial shock of Weird Al playing, I want a few words spoken, and for the usher to play DEAD MAN'S PARTY by Oingo Boingo if tears start rolling. If a video is to be played, I want a montage of the WORST PICTURES OF ME THAT ANYONE CAN FIND with Dennis Leary's I"M AN ASSHOLE played over it, but that's only if there MUST BE a video played. Finally, after the last respects are played, I want to be hauled out to Akira Ikafube's Godzila's Theme. If not, I will come back as a ghost and poltergeist the fuck out of everyone.

C) There must be the following figures around my coffin: A bandai Godzilla, preferably the late 90s one. A dicast Voltron, an Iron Hide from Transformers, A Pumpkinhead figure, a large T-Rex, don't care from what, He-Man and Skeletor, a Delorian from Back to the Future 2 and a Proton pack!

D)I want two women dressed as Japanese Gothic Lolita girls to hand out the little pamphlet that gives a person the stats of the dead's funeral. And I want something along the lines of Royal Tennenbam's DIED HEROICALLY SAVING HIS FAMILY FROM A SINKING SHIP as the reason for my demise. Just a blatant lie! Maybe died saving a school bus of children from a pack of ravenous Kodiak bears in the Alaskan wilderness! And, there must be a midget dressed as Toad from Super Mario Brothers to greet everyone coming in.

E) I want a picture of Hunter S Thompson hung behind me, and a poster of Billy D Williams whoring Colt 45 beside me.

F) Finally, I want a Frank Frazetta esq painting of me, slaying a two headed dragon with a broken sword on top a pile of bones as 5 nude and chained women look on in sexual terror!

Basically, what Jim Henson had for his funeral.

Much like UP did for me last week, this weekend just got me thinking more about what I'm doing with my life. I've always been one to push that you could pop off at any time, so don't waste the time that you have, but I've been hard to take my own medicine sometimes. As long as I don't kill over, David Carridean style, I think that things will be fine.

OH, and still, FUCK ARIZONA!

FUCK YOU TMZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't consider myself a violent person. Angry, maybe. Cynical, definitely. Violent? Only in the mind..

But there are a small laundry list of things that make me want to just go full on Death Star on an Orphanage!

One of these things.. TMZ

TMZ is a gossip rag that AOL/TIME WARNER puts out that popped up in popularity overnight, and has a fucking TV show. How do I know this? Well, it comes on after Simpson reruns during the weekday.

Now I have watched precisely, 3 full episodes in its entire run.

The first time I watched it, my soul felt like it was being eaten away by cancer!

The second time, I was too lazy to change the channel, and after watching it, I felt the need for a rape shower.

Then, last week, I spied it again, and I couldn't take it anymore!

First off, where the fuck dose this show get off! They have these jack ass camera fucks standing around, dick in hands, waiting in celeb spots to ask retarded fucking questions for a fucking reaction to show on the show.

It would be if I waited out side all day for a dog to walk by, see a spot of grass and start taking a shit. I would then run up to the dog, ask him what has he been doing today, and how is that shit he's taking? Once the deuce is dropped, what are this thoughts about the crap as it walks off to lick its asshole! I would then present my footage to the public to lap up like a bunch of drunken, meth addicted zombies for a reaction.

THIS IS WHAT THESE ASSFUCKS DO! The kicker, they get fucking c or D grade celebs at best! The episode I watched, some duchebag with a camera found KEVIN SORBO, mother fuckin Hercules himself, in the Glendale Galleria, shopping. KEVIN SORBO!!!! This ass hole then follows KEVIN SORBO (mind you, doing that duchebag backwards walk as Kevin is just trying to do his thing and shop at Macy's!) and ask him " HEY KEVIN, WHAT ARE YOU SHOPPING FOR" Kevin foolishly replies "I bought a Wii game for my kid" Trap set, and the duchebag eggs on Masturbation innuendos that Kevin isn't picking up on, and clearly making him look like a fucking retard.

PEOPLE NEED TO FUCKING KNOW THIS SHIT?? WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT KEVIN SORBO IS FUCKING SHOPPING FOR!

Second thing! These assholes seem to just hang around airports a lot. HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY ABLE TO DO THIS! We've made a huge deal about AIRPORT Security, and we all have to take off our shoes and cant bring an eye dropper of hand lotion on board, and if you park more than 5.9 seconds in the unloading zone, SWAT storms your car and asks at gun point what you're doing. YET these airports allow people to run around with Camera's who are just loitering around all day waiting for someone to board a flight?????? WHAT THE FUCK! I thought we had laws for this sort of thing! Why cant some one pull a little police brutality on these clowns and tell them to take a hike with their fucking camera's!

Lastly.. THE STAFF! NEVER have I seen a bigger collection of High school journalism dropouts in one room in my whole life! These people look like they've O.D. on pot brownies and Miller Light. They make big deals about Kate Hudson getting a hair in her fucking pasta in some restaurant outside of St Louis MO. FUCK YOU GET A REAL JOB! Apparently you weren't good enough for REAL journalism because all you do is take the video that the duchebag drones that are hanging outside of LAX for the day get and pass it off as you're own shit!

Then there's the ring leader, HARVEY LEVIN.



This guy use to be a Lawyer in the late 70's to early 80's then went to work on such classics as the Peoples Court and Celebrity Justice. He was also a reporter for CBS in LA and caused a stir during the OJ trial after he released a video of Marcia Clark going through OJ's house before a warrant was issued. NOW he runs this web site and show and acts like hes doing the world a fucking favor by following Celebrities around 24 hours a day! He also hosts the TV show and dose this thing that irritates me. He basically stands behind a cubical with this fucking sippy cup and listens and comments on what "NEWS" his fucking duchey minions have for the day.

I just want.. everyone involved with this show to get crabs that are full of Napalm! Just little fiery explosions that are painful all over their body so that they may suffer for what they're doing.

Oh, and the people who support this shit by watching and reading. FUCK YOU TOO! You're the fucking enabler of this shit, like the buddy of a drunk that keeps insisting that one more isn't going to hurt. THE PEOPLE THAT WATCH THIS SHOW REGULARLY.. HAVE NO SOUL! They will not get into the Nirvana of the afterlife and will suffer a thousand horrible fates and the hands of Hades.

Why, WHY as a civilized society do we do this.

I'm going to go lay down now.

Oh Irony!

So recently, the California state supreme court held up PROP 8, which ban's gay marriage. People were pissed, and blood and possibly semen filled the streets.

Blah blah.

The fact that Gay marriage is banned in what is possibly the most liberal state in the union is not what I find hilarious, its the people that helped pass the prop in the first place.

See, back in November, when this whole thing was going on, there was a shit load of YES on Prop 8 ads that were on par with German propagandize films. The two main themes that they struck home were that A) THE SCHOOLS ARE GOING TO TEACH YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE!!!! Meaning that their fragile little minds will be blown by the idea of a woman kissing another woman or a dude blowing another dude!



2) That the evil gays will FORCE THE CHURCHES TO MARRY THEM!!!!!!! OH MY GOD NO!!!!!!!!

Now, anyone with 2 fucking brain cells that rub together like dolphins in an orgy, knows that neither of this shit was true.

Truns out, you can sell bull shit to just about anyone in this state.

And who exactly bought in to this bull shit...






oh, and retarded white people like this...




I know what you're thinking.. Chris you racist bastard.

And I say to that.. FUCK YOU!

Check out this exit poll data!

What astounds me and makes me laugh is this:

Two major "minorities" The Blacks and the Hispanics (The Mexicans.. I am talking about California in the majority) These two groups have been bitching and fucking whining about how the white man and the establishment has been keeping them down for years. YEARS!

As a white male, I have lived with this stereotype.. being the WHITE DEVIL! I have to watch my word structuring in every day life lest I be labeled a full on racist. If I jump out in a crowded room, and say "THE JIG IS UP" and there's a black guy there, WELL, guess who's the fucking racist!

Well, now it seems that see-saw of injustice tilts both ways!

See, the election for Prop 8 also happened to be the same election that the "NATION" (I.E. the Electoral Collage) elected our current, BLACK president, Barack Obama!

To make something clear, I'm a full on Obama supporter. The man has a brain, and clearly showed that he can think clearly!

But who turned out in record numbers to "vote" for Obama? The Blacks.. and shockingly, the Mexicans!

And what did they cast as their vote when it came to the rights of the GAYS, a fellow minority...

A stern YES on 8! A nice Fuck you to the gays!

When given the chance, they put their collective foot down and stomped on the hopes and dreams of a group of people that were just asking for one little thing..

I find it fucking hilarious!

A nation voted a black man in office, but the black/Hispanics couldn't give it up for some people that just wanted a fucking title!

Why? Because they wanted to stick it to some one? Possibly. I personally blame 2 things. The stout religious following of both groups, and the fact that most of them are poorly educated and believed the hype that the Pro 8 ads spewed.

How do I know this?

Well, from just a personal stand point, I work with a large collection of Hispanics (I don't think we have anyone that's black at my work...) and Asians.. but a lot of Hispanics. So the day after the election, I was having a conversation with the cashier at my work. She happens to be of Hispanic decent. I thought at this point that, sans some of her pro feminist bull, that she was reasonably smart. WRONG.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: So who did you vote for?

Cashier: Obama

Me: And did what did you vote on 8?

Cashier: I voted yes..

Me: Um.. can I ask why?

Cashier: Well, I have nothing wrong with gay people, I just don't want the churches to get sued.

Me: I dont mean to be brash, but you're fucking retarded.

Cashier: How

Me: Gays can't sue any church to get married in a church. Theres a law stating separation of Church and state.

Cashier: But they said that it would happen if they were allowed to get married.

Me: First off, they were already allowed to get married, for like 6 months! Did you hear about any churches getting sued???

Cashier: No.. but prop 8 is to keep them from getting married.

Me: No! The courts said that they could get married back in June. You just voted to take those rights away.

Cashier: But they would force churches to marry them.

Me: No they wouldn't. Churches can pick and choose who ever the fuck they want to marry. If you're not Catholic, you cant get married in a Catholic Church.. same with any other church that decides so.

Cashier: Well, that's fine. Marriage is a sacred thing anyway. If they want "marriage" just call it a Civil Union

Me: First off, Marriage hasn't sacred in about 30 years. The divorce rate is at like %52 percent. Being married for over 10 years now a days is a rare triumph! So to say that Marriage is a sacred fuck thing is as retarded as Corky from Life Goes On

Cashier: Who?

Me: Never mind. Second, to call it a Civil Union is the problem because it's Separate but equal, and that's unconstitutional. Did you not pay attention to 12th grade government! Its the reason why there aren't separate water fountains anymore!

Cashier: Ok, but marriage is still a religious ceremony. Its a holy act.

Me: (now yelling) ARE YOU HIGH! No it isn't. With that thinking, then Atheist, or Asians couldn't get married. In order to get married anywhere in the united states, you have to get a state issued license. Thats what this whole thing is about. Why do you think most of these gay marriages that you had no idea were going on were all at City Halls around the state? BECAUSE ITS IN THE EYES OF THE FUCKING STATE!!!! NOT GOD!!!! Any one with the IQ of a plant that pays any attention to the world around them knows this! Just because you get married in a church, dosent mean the state will recognize it. The state needs to issue you a license so that they can take the taxes that they need from you as a couple and you can get the breaks you need from them. Hell, in the shit ball economy we're in, we need these people to get married so that we as a state can get some extra cash out of them..

Breathing..

The conversation went on from there for a few more minutes before my boss walked in and i had to make it look like I was busy.

But that wasn't the end of it. I was blown away by the back counter guy who voted Yes because he didn't want his kids learning about gay marriage in school. When I asked him how old his kids were. Answer 11 and 13

I was dumbfounded. I told him that his kids probably already knew what a rim job was.

I didn't get an answer.

After all of that, my head still hurts. After yesterday's ruling, the PRO MARRIAGE groups coming out just make me want to hit myself with a bat.

Personally, I could give less of a shit if some dude wants to smoke some poll in his house, or if some chick wants to mow grass on another chick in their apartment. If they want to be married, then so be it. I come from a broken home, I've seen first hand how people treat the 'sanctity of marriage', and believe me, its a dying breed.

My quarrel is that people are fucking stupid about stuff like this. If they stopped listening to their mob groups and gave a little shit about other people, we wouldn't have this problem. But no, these people, and I do believe that they think this, feel that GAY is going to spread like the bubonic plague and before you know it, its just going to be a rainbow covered orgy of cock sucking!

So when I find it funny that for once, the whites gave a group of people a shot, yet other minorities told them to go fuck themselves is funny.

But in this Post High School Musical generation, its only a matter of time before everyone stops giving a shit, and everyone kinda gets along..

Has the world lost its mind!

I made a commitment a few weeks ago, that, since I don't have Internet at the grandparents house (where Im currently crashing) that I would start watching more movies and catch up on TV shows (for I'm horribly behind on the SHIELD, and I do loves me some Vic Mackey)

So tonight, after a long day at work, I had a copy of LET THE RIGHT ONE IN sitting on top of my stack of TO WATCH dvds.

(in case you're wondering what else is on there, here are some titles)






Now that's a small chunk. And yes, I've already seen some of those, its just I recently picked them up on DVD.

but I digress.

Tonight, tonight was LET THE RIGHT ONE IN. A Swedish Vampire flick that a lot of people I've talked to or heard from rave about this film. Claims that it changes the Vampire movies as we see them. One of the best movies of last year.

So, I finally get the opportunity to watch it. ( I could of easily put in my bootleg of Crank 2, but I apparently wanted something.."smart")

Upon watching this movie for almost 2 hours, I got up, scratched my head, and said aloud as if expecting someone to answer me in my empty house, "TH ATS IT?"

Let the Right One In is nothing more that if Wes Anderson stopped being talented, and wanted to make a gothy kinda vampire flick about a little girl vampire (that's more than meets the eye!!!) and some dumb ass kid who gets the shit beaten out of him. The movie moved at the pace of an 104 year old man trying to get to the end of the drive way to get his paper. Nothing but wide static shots, with maybe 3 really cool looking moments. The rest is... FILLER!

This, on top of my "MEH" view on Star Trek, I started thinking that maybe I've lost touch with my inner movie geek, that maybe I'm either SUPER RETARDED, in that I only find enjoyment from dumb films, or that I've become some sort of film snob..

After deliberating for a few hours, I've come to the conclusion that the people around my generation have become poser film buffs.

These are the people that will suck the collective dicks of "artures" because they can make some indy looking fuck fest of a film. That bash every single summer film because its "TOO POPCORNY" or unintelligent. That give praise to Indy films that clearly need some constructive criticisms.

There are a lot of people that only watch what they've been "TOLD" to watch by their fucking film school teacher! That don't know that there are more classics than whats on the AFI's fucking list. PEOPLE WHO"VE NEVER SEEN THE 7TH VOYAGE OF SIMBAD!

Maybe I got lucky. I grew up in a house hold with a dad who loved to paint, and loved old comic books and loved monster movies, new and old. By the time I was 9 I had seen everything that Ray Harryhausen did and every movie Toho Studios made. I had monster movies that most people would only see on Mystery Science Theater 3000 (one of the greatest show ever BTW) On my 7 birthday, I got to see ROBOCOP 2! I was reading Famous Monsters of Film land, modern day X-men and Spidey Books, and BEOWULF by the age of 12.

I had a film understanding of whats good and what's bad. It's entertainment, if it fails to entertain you, then said piece has failed its goal.

Now, there are people walking around and screaming on the Internet about how Terminator 4 is going to suck balls because James Cameron isn't on it, and McG is, and yet, have never seen 12 Angry Men, or the original Planet of the Apes.

Maybe the culture I've decided to fold into is collapsing on its self. That theres too much pseudo intellect going around that its infusing everything else around it and dumbing down everyone.

I don't know..............


But what I do know is that LET THE RIGHT ONE IN was weaksause.

Dressed to Unimpressed

So last night, I went out to dinner with, a friend of a friend. This person happens to be of the female persuasion. (shocking!) Its not that we're strangers or anything, she kinda knows me.

The dinner was mostly consistent with what I normally do when I go out with women. Let them vent to me. I believe that the cosmos designated me as a universal ear for people to commune to their grievances. I've heard many, many stories, enough for a mid sized coffee table book I will eventually call, "BITCHING"

It's not a bad thing honestly. I've learned allot about the Human Condition just by listening, and in turn, have been able to dish out some advice here and there.

Well, last night, around hour 2 of her venting, she brought up relationships and dating. We went over her past and her style in High school. This led to a side discussion of fashion in terms to the people she associates with and with the guys she dates. I made a smart ass remark to kinda loosen the atmosphere, but she then questioned me about my past relationships.

Now, this girl has some idea of my horrid past with women, but not allot. I reiterated that I've never been in any sort of relationship. I also brought up the irony that for a while, a good portion of my friends were predominately female.

She kinda chuckled (as they all do) and told me that its probably the way I dress.

That sentence kinda came as a mild shock.

Let me explain why.

To get an idea of my sense of fashion, I provide you with these:





This is my usual attire. Super long baggy shorts, a black shirt with some sort of logo on it, and I'm usually sporting a hoodie of some sort (for the time, its my TAPOUT one) And if whether permits, my PRIDE FIGHTING beanie, and a trench coat.

Its usually the best I can do. I'm a big guy, and on top of that, not the greatest looking guy either. I would put my looks around Cave troll and garden gnome. And there's not a hell of a lot I can do to accessories. I tried this as a joke one time.



Scary..

So this girl proclaimed that when she first met me, that I kinda looked like a rapist/sleazebag.

I chuckled in victory, but she went on to say that she was serious. Now that she knows me better, she says that she knows I'M NOT a sleazebag rapist, but more or less, a nice, but lazy looking mother fucker.

This got me thinking..

Perhaps my dress code is part of my status problems,I pondered. Maybe, a lot of my social awkwardness is part in parcel of my hardcore Kevin Smith rip off look?

When that thought bubbled popped and I jolted back to reality, I told her, simply.. MEH. I'm happy the way I am. Sure, I look like I could very well end up being NORM from Cheers one day, but I told her why make myself miserable wearing shit that I don't like, when I'm fully content with what I got.

This way of thinking kinda went over her head and it took her a moment to grasp it. She honestly couldn't understand that some one like me wouldn't be changing or going above and beyond to achieve something, that simply I think, is pointless at this point.

I told her, I'm 25, while I'm still young, I'm kinda set in my ways. If the ladies don't dig on the Chris, then fine, so be it. I reaffirmed this in that why would I want to be with some one that, if they're not into my look, then they're not really into me.

From my experience, yes there is compromise to being in some sort of relationship, but honestly, if the people in said relationships don't like some of their significant others major attributes, then clearly, there's no point in being with them. No one should change the way they are for anyone one else. It also goes the other way that no one should change some one else to suit their needs. All it brings is a shit storm in the end.

So if a female is ever into me, its going to be for who I am. Me, the overweight, darkly cynical geek who swears a lot, loves watching pain inflicted on people who deserve it, enjoys cartoons and likes to wander about in weird places for the hell of it. Other wise, why bother.

Besides, not that it really matters. Back when I was thin and dressed more appropriately, it wasn't like I was some fucking pussy magnet. No, I was just like I am now, except thinner, had a positive out look on life, less racist, and a bit more naive. And it still yielded no results and just oodles of heartbreak!

So, I stands my motto, "Fuck you", when it comes to people calling me out on what I do with my life. If you don't like the way I am, don't associate with me, and I'll do the same.

Ah...Poopie

I believe that it was Hunter S Thompson that said we live in a savage world. I have to agree with him.

Mear moments before I sat down to hammer out some sort of nonsensical rambling, my neighbor knocked on our door and asked us if we had used the laundry room. My mother and I told him no, and asked why. Usually its because someone left their cloths inside one of the machines or something of that matter. Well, it wasn't that. The query was because when our neighbor walked into the laundry room, it smelled. Real bad. It wasn't mildew either. Upon inspection, the culprit was found.

Some one dropped a deuce in the garbage can.

He quickly disposed of it and that's where we come in with him knocking at my door.

I'll admit, I chuckled a bit. Shit is funny. The fact that used food matter combined with colon lined bacteria that emits an odor of death to be used in horrible ways has entertained mankind since the dawn of time.

My brother has an extensive photo collection of the alphabet.. I'll leave it at that.

Though, it dose remind me of an experience I had at work, one that pushed me like a desperate mother pushes her bastard child in front of a bus, into the person I am today.

When I was working a the Family Twin Cinema, I was a one man army. I did everything>. And I'm not tooting my own horn.. I literally did everything. I was like a Mexican migrant worker at this place.

Now, this place wasn't big. There was the lobby, and two theaters. The lobby was the size of a small apartment, so I could see everyone coming in and out during the movies. Well, this one day, a man who looked like he told death that he'd be back home in an hour shuffled out of the theater doors. I was behind the counter, not working, and watched as this guy took 3 minutes to walk across the 15 feet of floor to the bathroom. He went in and I went back to reading my stack of comic books I smuggled in while the boss was sleeping in the other theater.

About 35 minutes went by, and I finished all 12 books I had picked up that day (I bought everything at this time of my life..even Teen Titans GO!) I decided to actually do some work, and started cleaning up around the place. I grabbed my nifty spray bottle and sauntered into the men's bathroom. I cracked open the door and beheld a sight that could not be unseen.

There, standing at the sink, was the old guy, bare ass. He didn't see me and I saw everything I didn't want to see (so many spots) and walked right out. I figured the guy was a bit soft in the head and put an out of order sign on the door to give the guy some time to put his pants back on.

25 minutes rolls by and he finally walks out. It was at this time that my boss finally came back out to the front and I point at him that the old guy walking back into the theater had his pants off in the bathroom. We both laughed and thought it was funny and I walked into the bathroom to clean it.

The second that door swung open.. my spidey senses started tingling. Something was amiss. I opened the door to the first stall, and it was like a moment out of a movie, when the hero comes upon a crime scene, and his eyes bulge out and his head moves like a cat following a flash light on the wall. Word's failed me.

The stall looked like a bear had eaten one to many tacos, and couldn't hold it. There was shit EVERY WERE! Not just on the toilet, but the stall, the toilet paper holder, the floor. Oh, the floor. When my eyes were adverted downwards, I noticed the mass of shit on the floor, but that wasn't all. I noticed that it moved like a trail of ants, all the way to the sink....

Walking over to the sink, it was Destroyed! Just nibblits of shit everywhere. Apparently, when I walked in on the old fuck, he was cleaning his pants off. I know this because he threw away his boxers in the paper towel trash can. I swear, infants are cleaner than this fuck was.

I walked outside to get some air, and called my boss over. I couldn't be the only witness to this. He came over and I told him to walk inside, not telling him what lied beyond. He took two steps in, I heard a gag, and he walked out, put his hand on my should and said.."GOOD LUCK"

I mumbled a racial slure in anger (but the dude was white, so it dint matter) and grabbed 3 bottles of bleach and 2 mops. Over the next half hour, and I was rushing as people would start coming in for the next showings very soon, I scrapped and mopped poop like a CSI cleaner. Just chunks and niblits of what this man ate in a redwood tree's worth of paper towels. Pants ruined from gallons of bleach being sloshed around. I think I got high, or brain damage, from the bleach fumes combined with the air freshener. When I was done, the place was cleaner than a hospital O.R.

As the movie ended, I sat complacently behind the counter, giving the old bastard the best stink eye I could> It went unnoticed..

From that day forward, my tolerance for people dropped by spades. For when you have to clean a grown mans shit out of a sink, you've seen the 1 ring of hell.

Arrested Development...

So,I had what could be described as Panic or Anxiety attack last week.

I've been staring at WEBMD for the last few days, and wouldn't recommend doing that to anyone. For now I'm afraid that I might be suffering from the Bends and Ectopic Pregnancy. But, the whole thing kinda shook me. It was an attack that came out of nowhere, as I was driving home at 1 am from a friends house. Luckily, I had some one in the car with me in case it got too bad and I needed someone to take the wheel. This massive wave of paranoia and untimely death just rushed over me, and my heart went from calm to HOLY JESUS FUCK, and I felt like some one kicked me in the balls. I then began going through everything I hadn't done yet in life and needed to do. It was like the flashes that a person got in DARK CITY after they had new memories implanted in them. It just ended up printing out in my head like a massive to do list that never got done.

I never finished any but one screen play.
I never got to make a movie.
I hadn't seen the world yet.

Then it hit me that I had no love life to speak of. That kinda kept the thing flared up.

Thankfully, after a half hour, and getting my friend dropped off, the attack subsided. It was kind of an eye opener to how frustrated I am with my life at this moment. It's not that I'm not happy, don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying the good life I have compared to others. No, its the fact that I've made promises to myself, promises that are poorly kept. I get mad at myself for some of the stuff I do and don't do a lot. I don't realize that I'm wasting time some times, but then there are other times when I fully realize it, but don't do anything about it.

After consulting WEB MD some more, I think that I have symptoms of Adult HDADD:

10 Symptoms of Adult ADHD

Many people think of rowdy kids who can’t sit still when they think of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD. But the fact is, symptoms of ADHD can linger into adulthood. In fact, many adults with ADHD aren’t aware they have it and don’t realize that many of the problems they face, including staying organized or being on time, are symptoms of adult ADHD.
What Causes Adult ADHD?

While experts don’t know for sure what causes ADHD, they believe genes may play an important part in who develops attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Environmental issues, such as exposure to cigarettes or alcohol while in the womb, may also play a role.

Unlike other psychiatric disorders, including anxiety and depression, ADHD can’t develop in the adult years. So symptoms must have been present since childhood for a diagnosis of adult ADHD to be made.
10 Adult ADHD Symptoms

The conventionally used diagnostic criteria for ADHD, including the most common symptoms, were developed based on how the condition shows itself in children.

These symptoms include forgetfulness and excessive daydreaming, as well as an inability to sit still, or constant fidgeting with objects.

Yet many experts think adult attention deficit hyperactivity disorder symptoms manifest themselves differently and more subtly. This can make it difficult to recognize and diagnose adult ADHD.

Adult ADHD Symptom No. 1: Problems Getting Organized

For people with ADHD, the increased responsibilities of adulthood -- bills, jobs, and children, to name a few -- can make problems with organization more obvious and more harmful than in childhood. While some ADHD symptoms are more annoying to other people than to the person with the condition, disorganization is often identified by adults struggling with ADHD as a major detractor from quality of life.

Adult ADHD Symptom No. 2: Reckless Driving and Traffic Accidents

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder makes it hard to keep your attention on a task, so spending time behind the wheel of a car can be difficult. Because of this, ADHD can make some people more likely to speed, have traffic accidents, and lose their driver’s licenses.

Adult ADHD Symptom No. 3: Marital Problems

Many people without ADHD have marital problems, of course, so a troubled marriage shouldn’t be seen as a red flag for adult ADHD. But there are some marriage problems that are particularly likely to affect the relationships of those with ADHD. Often, the partners of people with undiagnosed ADHD take poor listening skills and an inability to honor commitments as a sign that their partner doesn’t care. If you’re the person suffering from ADHD, you may not understand why you’re partner is upset, and you may feel you’re being nagged or blamed for something that’s not your fault.

Adult ADHD Symptom No. 4: Extreme Distractibility

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is a problem with attention regulation, so adult ADHD can make it difficult to succeed in today’s fast-paced, hustle-bustle world. Many people find that distractibility can lead to a history of career underperformance, especially in noisy or busy offices. If you have adult ADHD, you might find that phone calls or email derail your attention, making it hard for you to finish tasks.

Adult ADHD Symptom No. 5: Poor Listening Skills

Do you zone out during long business meetings? Did your husband forget to pick up little Jimmy at baseball practice, even though you called to remind him on his way home? Problems with attention result in poor listening skills in many adults with ADHD, leading to a lot of missed appointments and misunderstandings.
Adult ADHD Symptom No. 6: Restlessness, Problems Relaxing

While many children with ADHD are “hyperactive,” this ADHD symptom often appears differently in adults. Rather than bouncing off the walls, adults with ADHD are more likely to exhibit restlessness or find they can’t relax. If you have adult ADHD, others might describe you as edgy or tense.

Adult ADHD Symptom No. 7: Problems Starting a Task

Just as children with ADHD often put off doing homework, people with adult ADHD often drag their feet when starting tasks that require a lot of attention. This procrastination often adds to existing problems, including marital disagreements, workplace issues, and problems with friends.
Adult ADHD Symptom No. 8: Chronic Lateness

There are many reasons adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder are usually late. First, they’re often distracted on the way to an event, maybe realizing the car needs to be washed, and then noticing they’re low on gas, and before they know it an hour has gone by. People with adult ADHD also tend to underestimate how much time it takes to finish a task, whether it’s a major assignment at work or a simple home repair.

Adult ADHD Symptom No. 9: Angry Outbursts

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder often leads to problems controlling emotions. Many people with adult ADHD are quick to explode over minor issues. Often, the person with ADHD feels as if they have absolutely no control over their emotions. Many times, their anger fades as quickly as it flared, long before the people who dealt with the outburst have gotten over the incident.
Adult ADHD Symptom No. 10: Prioritizing Issues

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder can wreak havoc on planning, too. Often, people with adult ADHD mis-prioritize, failing to meet big obligations, like a deadline at work, while spending countless hours on something insignificant, such as getting a higher score on a video game.


Now, I don't suffer from Driving issues, or marital problems, but I more or less have a lot of these issues.

I think it might be hereditary. Cause my dad has some of these problems too, and he's got the failed marriage under his belt also. But I'm very self aware at the same time, while being overly paranoid (which I get from my mother) and that last Paragraph really nailed home a good problem that I know that I suffer from. I plan and plan, but never follow through properly, and I waste countless hours on the net doing next to nothing some times. Or I write, and when I write, I get frustrated that it's never as good as I think my writing should be.

It might also account for my non existent love life. But I chop that up to social awkwardness, weight, and my under par looks.

The kicker is that I know that I can do some of the stuff I set out to do. But I always find myself cutting it short or never finishing it. Its what a goldfish must feel like, that's probably why they're so content with sitting in a bowl sucking on fake pebbles all day.

All I know is that I'm 25. I made a promise to myself at the age of 16 after reading REBEL WITH OUT A CREW that I would be on my way to a career in film at this age. Instead, I'm no better off than I was in High school. With the years going by faster, I have a horrible feeling that I'm going to wake up one day, 48, and realized that I've done nothing with my life, and drown my sorrows at a buffet until my eventual death by Tidal Wave at the beach one night.



I think I'm going to lay off energy drinks for a bit..

Creepiness is living in an upstairs loft!

As I write this, I'm very tired. Why? Because I was up very late last night. See I had gone and peeped Wolverine with my good friend Melissa. After enjoying 90 minutes of Huge Jackman's naked upper torso, I came home. Home being my grandparents place were I currently dwell between apartment living. I talked for an hour to a very passionate Elisabeth, who had, like Popeye, had all she could stands and couldn't stands no more from the same movie I had just watched. After our conversation ended, I rolled over to try to get some sleep before it would be too late..

Well, that didn't work. See, the upstairs portion of the house I'm living at not only creaks, but I swear that there are small, shadow gremlins living there and try to get me at night. Get me with their rape spoons!

Its the fact that the room, once the door is closed, is a black hole of sound. The silence is literally deafening. And with that, and no light, the mind wanders. Add to that that there is a constant creak and buckle of the house, my sleep patterns are way off.

From my past experiences sleeping there, sleeping in this room is like sleeping in a sound deprivation chamber, and that's the bad thing!

With no outside noise, my mind wont shut up at night! And it gets bad! I start thinking of scenarios of horrible things that could go wrong! Strange Muppet men coming out of the closet to grab me! Oh, then there the almost A.D.D. habit of contemplating the different events of my own demise! And praying for Nanotechnology to get cranking. Thinking of ones mortality is not a bad thing, but when you start thinking, and the wheels don't stop, one dosnt sleep, and when I don't sleep, I get paranoid to the point that I fall asleep out of pure exhaustion.

Now, I would take Nightquil for this, but its like doing drugs, and my dreams became horrible tapestries of pale men with no lips and eyelids standing over my bed and just breathing on me before they scamper back into my closet (this actually happened to me one night. I awoke to see what looked like foot prints walking over my dirty cloths on the floor and the cloths in my closet sway as if something parted them!)

I've been told I have a creative mind... I think I have an active mind, but creativity is a bit of s stretch sometimes.

So now, I sleep with the radio on high, and the fan on full blast even if its freezing. Noise is good! Noise keeps the darkies away! (Darkies soon to be a film when I pull some sort of miracle out of my ass)

Im not sure were I was going with this....